a three hour conversation

our senior pastor is on the board at our local children’s services agency and when their usual Easter basket supplier stepped down, he stepped up and volunteered our church.  many gladly participated, including our family.  we chose to do three baskets, since we have three kids.  and we also chose to make baskets for teenagers because i am sure most people think it’s much more fun to make baskets for babies and toddlers.  i understand, and in some ways agree.  but, i didn’t want the teens left out.

when we signed up for the baskets, we explained it to the kids and we’ve talked about it some over the past few weeks.  today, was the day to take our baskets to church so i loaded them in the van before we left to pick amelia up from school.  while we were sitting in the van waiting for the schoolbell to ring, wilbur asked what the baskets were for.  i could tell he knew, but just wanted to hear about it one more time.  i explained to him that they are for kids in foster homes.  i reminded him that it’s like when he was in his foster home and that the kids who would get the baskets aren’t able to live with their parents because their parents can’t take very good care of them.  i asked him if he remembered his foster mom and living in her home.  and he started to cry.  his seat is in the back of the van so i had him unbuckle and come up to the front.  i hugged him and held onto him andhe just cried and cried.  i asked him if he knew why he was crying or what he was crying about.  he said no.  then he said he missed his foster mom and his birthmom and dad.  i suggested that when we got home we could look at some pictures from his foster home and spend some time talking.

we got amelia and headed to josh’s office where i needed to pick something up.  wilbur started to cry again.  we headed to church to drop off the baskets. wilbur started to cry again.  we headed to get the oil changed in the van.  wilbur started to cry again.  we headed home.  wilbur started to cry again.

at home, he got out a book i made each of the kids for Christmas.  it’s the story of our family, how we were formed, when we visited, when they came home, etc.  i read him the story and poor little wilbur just cried.  from the time he started crying at amelia’s school, to the time he was able to fully calm down at home, took about three hours.

today we spent three hours crying and talking about birthparents and foster moms. our poor little wilbur is trying so hard to put together his crazy life. he was just sobbing at times. almost like in agony. i think his little heart just feels so broken. he said he misses his birthparents and wants to see them. people he doesn’t know.  people he doesn’t remember.  but people he is connected to anyway.  people that he is so strongly connected to he just can’t understand.   he was just so sad.  and of course i am overwhelmed with things that i can’t say to them, because they aren’t old enough to understand. and i don’t even understand some of it myself.

it is so hard.

this is so hard.

at times during our conversation i was wondering why the Lord would put me in this situation.  why He would put my children in this situation.  i am in awe of the size of the Lord. that He would plan this glorious story for me, for them. this gloriously gut wrenching, heartbreaking story.  why did God choose me for this?  because though i feel inadequate, incapable, unprepared-i will do it.  i can do it.  God will fulfill His purpose for me and my children. “i cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.” psalm 57:2  He could have healed my children’s birthfamily.  He could have healed my womb.  but instead He took all of our brokenness and brought it together.  all for His glory.  which brings be back to His word that pierced me when we first started on this adoption journey.

philippians 2:13
for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.

ephesians 1:11
in Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will.

romans 9:17
I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display My power in you and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth.

romans 8:18
i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

i don’t understand how this will bring glory to His name.  maybe because we are being obedient to His calling?  i don’t know.  but i do know that believe with all of me that this is part of His divine plan.  He made it this way.  He needed it to be this way.  and i will do my best to walk well this road He has layed out before me.  and when we don’t understand and we’re sad, i will point us to Him trusting that He does understand and will bring us peace.

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