i’m just…sad

i get this way sometimes.  it usually happens when i am feeling overwhelmed with, well, everything.  mother’s day is right around the corner.  the 3rd anniversary of the day our kids came home is just around the corner.  and i, am sad.  sad.

sounds ridiculous.  feels ridiculous.  why?

i should be so happy.

i have three kids.  adorable kids.  amazing kids.  resilent kids.  but, they are also kids who really annoy me sometimes.  kids who don’t listen.  kids who don’t use our home the right way.  kids who don’t use their toys the right way.  kids who talk back.  kids who don’t respond when spoken to.  kids who don’t answer when asked a question.  kids who talk with food in their mouths.  kids who drop their food on the floor.  kids who spill their drinks.  kids who talk too loud.  kids who talk too quiet.   kids who…the list could go on and on.

and though these kids are “mine”, they also feel like complete strangers to me.

and it makes me…sad.

i didn’t make them.  i don’t know them.  there’s no part of me in them.  they are foreigners in my home.  and i am a foreigner as their mother.  and yet, we are a family.

and it weighs heavily on my heart.  and it weighs heavily on my shoulders.  and i want to do better.  and i want to be better.  and sometimes i just feel like i can’t.  sometimes i feel like a foreigner to myself.  i am not the self i wanted to be.  i am not the mother i wanted to be.  i am not the mother i wanted my children to have.  and i am not supposed to talk about this.  because, what we have done is so wonderful.  and our family is so cute.  and people have no idea how hard it is to be our family.

and it makes me…sad.

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