maybe this is how it’s supposed to be

April 27th, 2010

we just finished dinner.  josh is at soccer.  the boys are playing memory in the living room.  amelia is doing her homework at the dining room table.  i am sitting with her, helping her when needed.

i don’t feel like a mom.  at least not the way i thought i would feel when i used to think about being a mom.  i feel somewhat disconnected, like this is someone else’s life.  and then i thought, “maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.”

maybe every mom feels this way.  maybe they don’t.  in some ways it’s like how i feel about being an adult.  every time i drop my second grader off at school i think, “how is it possible for this 17 year old kid to be trapped in the body of an almost 34 year old?  and i am dropping an 8 year old off at school?  i am not old enough, mature enough, responsible enough to be doing this.  this is crazy!”

i often wonder if my disconnected feeling is due to me being an adoptive mother.  i often wonder if i’d feel more connected had i birthed my children.  and then i think, “maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.”  and then i remind myself that it is supposed to be this way.  that God ordained for it to be this way.  that He made me, made my children, and then in His sovereignty, formed us into a family.

so i sit here at the dining room table, blogging and helping my second grader with her math homework.  and while i don’t know how i should feel, i do know this:  i wouldn’t want anyone else helping her(except maybe josh if he was home) and i am helping her because God made me her mother and i love her.


2 Responses to “maybe this is how it’s supposed to be”

  1. Diana on April 27, 2010 7:54 pm

    My life certainly hasn’t turned out how I thought it would, either! It has taken more effort to build a relationship with my adopted kids than it did my biological daughter. On the flip side of that, I also believe I took that relationship with my daughter very much for granted. Since adopting my boys, I’ve realized that I need to put the same amount of effort into fortifying the relationship with my daughter that I do in building it from the ground up with my boys.

  2. Shelly on April 27, 2010 8:37 pm

    I’m with you…A 17 year old in a 34 year old’s body.. I felt that way just tonight after Colin’s first haircut. I felt like I was standing back and watching someone else. Like really?? … I’m a mom???..of a toddler??.. With my lack of patience or maturity or anything that a mom should have? I know He has a plan but sometimes I wonder what he is thinking!

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