and we’re up
it’s early. 4:30 now, but i woke up at 3:20. amelia needs to be sleep deprived for her EEG so i needed to wake her by 3:30. and josh kept her up till almost midnight. they ate swenson’s around 10pm and watched tinkerbell. she started falling asleep towards the end so they played Wii fit. yeah, at 11:30pm. we’ll all be exhausted tonight! yet in the midst of my sleepiness right now, i can’t help but wonder how this would have worked if she weren’t living with us. would someone have quietly walked into her room, lifted her shade, whispered to her, and rubbed her back to help her wake? would they have carried her heavy seven year old body down the stairs in the dark? would they have started the tinkerbell movie at 3:45 in the morning. and eaten a bagel with her at 4:15? we may not always do a wonderful job as parents, but i know we always try our best. i am so thankful she’s with us. i’ll keep you posted on the rest of the day.
Filed under adoption, children, parenting | Comment (1)another sick kid
this time it’s wilbur. just had him to the doctor to make sure it’s not strep. it’s not. but he does have a high fever and he just wants to rest. so unlike him! it makes for a much quieter house though.
we had so much fun monday. remember grocery shopping and then lunch with my friend?
the boys love the ‘truck’ carts. we call them lightning(the red one) and sally(the blue one) from the movie cars. oh, and the strings in the picture are from halloween balloons the store was giving away for free. thanks! having those kind of balloons around the house makes me crazy. which is why i execute them with scissors after the kids go to bed. shhh…don’t tell them. we always lie and say the balloons had tiny holes in them so the air all got out while we were all sleeping.
lunch was great. five guys. it’s a burger place. been? beware. the ‘little’ burger is like a regular burger and just a burger is a double. ran into a friend of ours there. he accidentally ordered the double. my girlfriend and i did on purpose!
the weather here was beautiful monday! we went to a local park after lunch so the kids could play. found tons of leaves. they had a blast!
i guess i should touch on the election we just had. not because i really want to talk about it, but because my husband was able to spend some time with the candidates and i thought i’d share some of his photos with you. and because i am not thrilled with the outcome of the election, but i am thrilled that God is still on His throne and this election was not a surprise to Him.
i was parent helper at orville’s school on wednesday. have i ever mentioned that the kids go to the same preschool i went to? pretty neat i think. and last year, wilbur was in the same room i was in when i was 4. wow. anyway, orville loves to ride the bikes in the muscle room.
and today was another good day for playing outside. a fairly cold day, but the backyard was covered in leaves and josh wanted to clean them up. made for great fun for amelia and orville. poor wilbur just stayed on the couch.
and one last thing. amelia’s EEG is monday, the 10th. please, please be in prayer. here’s some of her artwork she did recently for school. the assignment was to draw something that makes you happy. this is our family and josh’s parents, grammy and gramps.
fever? or a seizure?
amelia started feeling sick monday night. she felt warm, didn’t have much of an appetite, so we gave her some tylenol before bed. tuesday morning she woke up dizzy with a temp of 103.3. more tylenol. resting on the couch all day. and watching little girl movies, mary poppins and ariel’s beginning. her fever broke mid-day and was down to 99.2. then before bed, it shot back up to 102.3. she also developed a cough and stuffy nose. this morning her temp was 102.9 and she couldn’t stop coughing. i called the doctor. the doctor found nothing but a stuffy nose and a temp of 100. they suggested a decongestant, tylenol, and rest. but, what about the EEG?
talking with a friend yesterday, i wondered why this sickness came at this time. tuesday i was supposed to have lunch with josh. today i was supposed to have lunch with another friend and then watch the boys in a program at their school. tomorrow the EEG. and life as usual. “maybe God doesn’t want her to have the EEG on thursday,” my friend offered. “oh, maybe He doesn’t. maybe thursday isn’t the right time,” i said. why? hey, i don’t know. most of the time what He does in beyond me. that’s why He’s God. right?
maybe He wanted me to have some alone time with amelia. she’s such a joy when the boys aren’t around. i think because it’s not as loud and there’s no one else for me to have to share my time with. and maybe He wanted me to have something to do today because while i was taking amelia to the doctors, my friend that i was to have lunch with was getting induced a week before her baby is due. and maybe, well, who knows.
i called the neurologist’s office. they transferred me to an EEG tech. she said even if the fever is gone, and the stomach is fine, the coughing and stuffy nose will make it hard for amelia to rest and even fall asleep, to have the testing done. on top of that, she’ll need to be sleep deprived, but she needs to sleep so she can get better. i will call in a bit to reschedule the EEG, and i’ll let you know when it is. thank you so much for your prayers and well wishes.
here is ameila forcing a smile before bed monday night. yes, those are m&m’s on her plate. i let her have some halloween candy, even though her tummy hurt a little.
now for the explanation of the title of this post. amelia was with me yesterday when i picked the boys up from school. the teacher wilbur has for pre-k is the same one amelia had. she is the teacher who was with amelia when she had her first full seizure two years ago. she knows our family, and our story well. so when i picked wilbur up, this teacher just looked horrified.
me-”oh, he didn’t behave well did he?”
teacher-”no.”
me-”oh no, he didn’t?”
teacher-”oh, no wait, he was fine. but i think he told me something that maybe he wasn’t supposed to tell me?”
me-”what?”
teacher-”that amelia had a seizure.”
me-”no, oh my. no, she didn’t. she woke up with a fever.”
then i remembered that in the morning he was asking me what sissy had. “a seizure? a theater?” “no buddy, a fever. sissy has a fever. ”
here are the kids with our favorite teacher on amelia’s last day of pre-k(may 2007).
and finally, the boys had a trip to the dentist monday. wilbur has been before, but this was orville’s first time. wilbur went first and was so big and brave. he did such a great job! his great behavior showed his brother there was nothing to be afraid of. then orville did a great job too. he had a scared look on his face most of the time, but not a tear was shed.
they got to pick some treats when they were finished. and they made their mama proud. they also made me think that maybe we’re doing a pretty good job. maybe they had good behavior because we’re teaching them too. and maybe they weren’t scared because we’ve made them feel secure. just a thought.
Filed under Jesus, adoption, children, family, parenting | Comment (0)out of the blue…
things will hit me. like, “oh yeah, remember to call the court and see if i can get the transcripts from our adoption hearing.” someone told me i could do that, i think that day. but, i keep forgetting.
or, “remember to call the hospitals where the kids were born and see if i can get a copy of their footprints.” i heard an adult adoptee talk about this. she was adopted from an orphange in el salvador and had a great life with her adoptive family. but, she always wished she had a copy of her baby footprints. a friend of hers who now works in the orphange from where she was adopted, was able to find her footprints. she sent them to her in the mail. can you imagine that joy?
last night in the shower(why do i always get emotional in the shower?), i was thinking about the footprints. then i thought, “maybe they have those hospital baby pictures of my kids too. oh how neat would that be? to have baby pictures of my children. oh, my children. what about having a baby picture for them to have? and what if there aren’t any? amelia’s earliest picture we have is from when she was three and a half. she’ll never be able to see herself as a baby. she’ll never know what she looked like before the age of three and a half.” and then came the tears. the sobbing. the heavy heart for their loss. for what they may never know.
amelia-3 and a half years old
wilbur-1 and a half years old
orville-2 months old
Filed under adoption, children | Comments (3)odd and ‘evening’ numbers
tonight i am feeling really grateful. for many things. i thought i’d jot them down. it’s a good way for me to remember them. and it’s good to share what we’re grateful for.
-amelia accepted Jesus as her personal Savior today. we’ve talked about this quite a few times and she’s always said she did while she lived in her foster home. but today when we talked about it she said she wasn’t sure. i asked her if she’d like to pray about it. she asked if we could at night. i told her we didn’t have to wait. so we didn’t. my heart is overflowing as i think about it. and i can’t help but think, if she would have stayed in her birth home, that she may have never had the opportunity.
-while amelia was doing some ‘homework’ from her church binder, wilbur expressed that he’d also like to have a binder when he’s in the program his sister is in. i explained that he couldn’t because the program is just for girls and he’s, well, a boy. then i explained a little about the boys program, which he’ll enter in 1st grade. i told him they do cool things like, go camping and hiking, and build wooden cars. orville chimed in and said, i want to go camping too so i can find snakes and butterflies.
-orville has been saying all kinds of cute things lately. like, wait a second guys. or i can’t see the driveway from my window because the roof is blocking it. or amelia’s stuffed dog can’t wear a collar because our dog shelby doesn’t have one.
-amelia is learning about odd and even numbers in school now. she just can’t seem to get even right. she keeps calling them ‘evening’ numbers. and, she got frustrated with me tonight because i was teaching her the right way to say pumpkin. it’s pumpkin, not punkin.
-josh made the dad from amelia’s dollhouse go to the bathroom on the roof. amelia was just beside herself laughing.
-orville, at bedtime prayers, thanked Jesus for our ice cream with prinkles(sprinkles). amelia thought he said ice cream with pickles.
-i was able to share a very deep and personal thing with a friend today. i asked her to take it to the Lord in prayer. i know she will. and i know she’ll take it very seriously.
-the Lord is once again using sara groves to speak to my heart.
“hello Lord, it’s me Your child–i have a few things on my mind–right now i’m faced with big decisions, and i’m wondering if You have a minute–right now i don’t hear so well and i was wondering if You could speak up–i know that You tore the veil so i could sit with You in person and hear what You’re saying–but right now, i just can’t hear You–i don’t doubt Your sovereignty–i doubt my own ability–to hear what You’re saying and to do the right thing–and i desperately want to do the right thing–right now i don’t hear so well and i was wondering if You could speak up–i know that You tore the veil so i could sit with You in person and hear what You’re saying–but right now, i just can’t hear You–somewhere in the back of my mind i think You are telling me to wait–and though patience has never been mine–Lord I will wait to hear from You–right now i don’t hear so well and i was wondering if You could speak up–i know that You tore the veil so i could sit with You in person and hear what You’re saying–but right now, i just can’t hear You”
-amelia, when starting to pray earlier, said we should thank God for Jesus, mary, moses and their horse. i asked her if she meant Jesus, joseph, mary and their donkey.
-saturday we went to a local farm for a fall festival with some friends from church. we had a good night together as a family and got some great pictures. i love great pictures!
-amelia turned 7 on Friday. can’t believe i have a 7 year old! she used great manners at her party, said thank you to everyone without being reminded, and seemed genuinely grateful.
-i slept really well last night.
-when questioning the Lord on certain things, He reminds me He’s given me some answers already. He reminded me today that He is the best father. He allows me what i need, what He needs me to have.
-it’s alyssa and scott’s 1 year anniversary today. i love being friends with you guys!
-i get to go on a field trip with my boys tomorrow.
-part of amelia’s church homework included her explaining “why and i here?” to me. her immediate answer was, because you adopted us, because you wanted me. the question was getting at something more profound than what 7 year old can answer, but i think her take on it was extremely profound. her being adopted is a good thing in her eyes.
-my mother-in-law is amazing. not many people can say that. but i can. and i say it often. we got to spend some time together, just us, on Sunday. and it was fun.
-i get to go to bed now. in my big, cozy bed. and i love it.
-i, Lord willing, will get to have another day tomorrow. and if He grants it, He’ll walk through it with me.
Filed under Jesus, adoption, children, family, music | Comments (4)stirrings
God is always working on/in my heart. lately it’s felt stronger than usual. God is leading me into some new things. new opportunities to share Him and the work He’s done and continues to do in my life. i want my life to be about Him.
our worship leader, drew, has written this amazing song, proclaim, right out of the psalms. i can’t get it out of my head.
“my soul declares Your righteousnes
my mouth will speak Your truth.
my hands and feet, will show Your grace
and my life will proclaim You”
i wish you could hear it. i wish you could be there when we sing it at church. the joy that is in drew when he is leading us in worship is contagious. and i want to be like that too. i want my soul to declare His righteousness, my mouth to speak His truth, my hands and feet to show His grace, and my life to proclaim Him.
He is so amazing.
tonight was our adoption group, woven together, at church. we had a speaker, mike, from the waiting child fund. i first heard mike sometime last year, at a local ministers breakfast on adoption. i was blown away by his passion for helping waiting children, and the way he was going about doing that. i just knew i needed to have him come to our group to share his story with us. after tonight, hearing the story again, and seeing his passion again, i am reminded of what i think God might be doing with me. my story doesn’t begin and end with the adoption of my three children. i believe that somewhere along this road, there are more children for me to reach out to. i don’t know if that’s in my home or out of my home, but i know God brought mike along to remind me of the work He is doing and that i need to be a part.
He is so amazing.
and of course sara does that too, reminds me. she has a song, i saw what i saw, that was written about a trip she took to rwanda. please, watch the video here. in may i was at a concert of hers and when she talked about this song, i thought, that’s me.
“i saw what i saw and i can’t forget it
i heard what i heard and i can’t go back
i know what i know and i can’t deny it.”
i have been in the homes of abused and neglected children. waiting children. i have heard their stories, seen their pain. i know about the system and how it works and why it exists. God has shown me these things for a reason. i can’t turn a blind eye and walk away.
He is so amazing.
on my way home tonight, i turned on watermark. hidden in You was playing.
“i will call upon You Lord
for You are worthy to be praised
and You alone are deserving of my life
so this is who i am
a lover of a man who was scorned for sinners
and You, You won the war over me
so my worship will be a life that is hidden in You
Your life is setting me free
so my worship will be a life that is hidden in You
i will call upon You Lord
for You are worthy of my praise
and You alone are the center of my life
so this is who i am
offered to the man who was broken for me”
this is who i am. i am in love with a Man who was scorned for sinners and who was broken for me. and i don’t want to close myself to the stirrings He creates in my life. i want to hide myself in Him so i can be free to do what He is calling me to do.
He is so amazing.
i want my life to proclaim Him.
Filed under Jesus, adoption, children, music | Comment (1)“i have two mommies,”
amelia excitedly announced tuesday night at dinner. “yes you do,” i replied. “i have a stepmother, and i have you,” she said. “no, i am not your stepmother. i am your adoptive mother. and your other mommy, is your birth-mom.”
i have never been opposed to talking about this with our kids, especially our daughter. she was 3 1/2 when she was taken from her birth home so she is aware of her adoption situation. but this conversation struck me as odd. she called me her “stepmother”. the only thing i can think of that would lead her to that is maybe there is a divorce situation in a family at school and she has heard the child talking about their stepmother. or, maybe it’s from cinderella. i hope that doesn’t mean she thinks i am evil and ruining her world!
whatever made her say what she said, it caused me to say something for the first time too. until that conversation, i had never referred to myself, in front of our children, as their adoptive mother. i have always just referred to myself as mom. even sometimes yelling, “because i am your mom and i said so.” now our adoption story, took on a whole new perspective, for them.
instead of having a “mommy who carried you in her tummy and gave birth to you”, and a “mommy who gets to take care you now”, our kids know the terms birth-mom and adoptive mom. and i am okay with this. it’s something i didn’t try to hide from them, nor would i ever. it had never come up before. i just wonder what it will do to them. having words to label their life with. it’s the mystery of adoption i guess. the beauty of a new family being born while the other family is lost. the acceptance of the unknown. the unknown of this other woman out there who created them, carried them, birthed them, named them.
i will honor that. i decided that a long time ago. i will not take away the importance of their beginnings. and i will not try to make myself, or my role in their lives, more important than that. without that start, though bad it may be, i wouldn’t be able to be their mom now.
this is sounding like a mother’s day post, i know. i am about a month too early. but that comment the other night really stuck in my head. that, and one made by a highschooler in a class i shared our story with last week. one of my girlfriends is a family and consumer sciences teacher at our local high school. she invited me to come in and talk about adoption and foster care with one of her classes. there was some time for questions/comments towards the end of the class and one boy shared something that i consider to be very powerful. his girlfriend is adopted and recently he asked if she knew her birth-mother’s name. the adoptive mother was furious and yelled at him, “i am her mom.” along with something else like, “we don’t talk about that.” or “don’t ever ask that again.” (i can’t remember his exact wording) this poor kid was visibly upset by this. it seemed to catch him totally off guard. he wanted to get my opinion on the situation since i am, essentially, in the same boat as that adoptive mom. and i told him, very honestly, that i thought it was a very selfish way to act. taking sole responsibility for someone’s life. yes, she has raised her, provided for her. but, she got her start with someone else, and no matter how much that hurts or we wish it weren’t true, it is the truth. we have to acknowledge the past, while moving on with the present, into the future. how sad for that girl to hear her birth-mother denied in such anger.
i don’t ever want to act that way, especially in front of my children. i have this love/hate relationship with their mother, in my mind of course, since i don’t know her personally. but i know who she is. and i know what’s she done to my children. and it makes me so angry. but i can’t change it. i can only love them and make sure those things never happen to them again. i can speak well of her now, until they are old enough for the truth. old enough to fully understand. boy, will they ever fully understand? i am not sure they will because i can’t. none of what happened to them up until the day they were removed from their birth home makes sense to me. but, i know somehow we’ll get through it. somehow God will give us the words to explain it as best we can. He’ll give us the words to explain our love for them. with His help i will do my best to be a great one, of two mommies. one that hopefully my daughter, and my sons, will be proud to claim as her adoptive mom.
Filed under adoption, children, family, parenting | Comments (4)