i’m just…sad
i get this way sometimes. it usually happens when i am feeling overwhelmed with, well, everything. mother’s day is right around the corner. the 3rd anniversary of the day our kids came home is just around the corner. and i, am sad. sad.
sounds ridiculous. feels ridiculous. why?
i should be so happy.
i have three kids. adorable kids. amazing kids. resilent kids. but, they are also kids who really annoy me sometimes. kids who don’t listen. kids who don’t use our home the right way. kids who don’t use their toys the right way. kids who talk back. kids who don’t respond when spoken to. kids who don’t answer when asked a question. kids who talk with food in their mouths. kids who drop their food on the floor. kids who spill their drinks. kids who talk too loud. kids who talk too quiet. kids who…the list could go on and on.
and though these kids are “mine”, they also feel like complete strangers to me.
and it makes me…sad.
i didn’t make them. i don’t know them. there’s no part of me in them. they are foreigners in my home. and i am a foreigner as their mother. and yet, we are a family.
and it weighs heavily on my heart. and it weighs heavily on my shoulders. and i want to do better. and i want to be better. and sometimes i just feel like i can’t. sometimes i feel like a foreigner to myself. i am not the self i wanted to be. i am not the mother i wanted to be. i am not the mother i wanted my children to have. and i am not supposed to talk about this. because, what we have done is so wonderful. and our family is so cute. and people have no idea how hard it is to be our family.
and it makes me…sad.
Filed under adoption, children, family, parenting | Comments (7)the one thing i know
years ago, before adoption. before we met our kids. before we had heard about our kids. before we knew we were going to adopt. before i had(at that time) come to terms with my infertility. before most of this, the Lord reminded me of the only thing in my life that i know is certain.
i had season tickets, along with a group of girlfriends, to a broadway series of shows in a local theatre district. we would meet, carpool to dinner, walk to the show, and have a great time. one night i had to work a little later so i drove to the restaurant alone. during dinner the conversation turned to motherhood. “be strong,” i thought. “it’s okay. your heart can do this. be the big girl. smile. giggle. hide your tears. hide your sadness. besides, you’re the only one here without children. you can’t expect them to not talk about their children.” so i played along, like i was okay. and they complained.
they complained about being pregnant.
they complained about giving birth.
they complained about late night feedings.
they complained about their children being sick. disrespectful. whiney. needy. clingy. messy. busy. etc, etc, etc.
they complained about being mothers.
right in front of…….my face.
we went on to see the show. you know, to this day, i don’t remember what it was. because, although it was enjoyable, i was consumed with sadness. i was surrounded by people who had what i wanted. and they didn’t know i wanted it. and they didn’t care that they had it. and it nearly broke me into pieces. i couldn’t wait for the show to end. for us to walk to our cars. and for me to be alone. i needed to be alone. i needed the Lord to speak to my heart.
my solitude finally came. after a few minutes of being quiet and getting through the downtown area onto the highway, i turned on some music. sara groves, the one thing i know.
“and the clouds just parted on a corner of my life
and i can see for miles
and the things i was stuck on
things i thought would never change
they just broke open wide
this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free
and the veil just lifted
i can finally understand
the way You work in me
but even if didn’t
You are still a sovereign God
Who has a plan for me
this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free
it’s good to know You work with hurt and broken souls
that you’ll take a soul like mine
in all the world nothing’s taken hold of me like Christ
this is the one thing
this is the only thing
You are the one thing
You are the only thing
this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free”
the Lord was speaking to my heart. piercing it actually, with His truth and His love for me. “this is the ONE thing i know, YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO. YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.”
over and over again i said it. through tears. sometimes barely audible. sometimes almost screaming. i kept saying it. and saying it. and saying it. “YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO. YOU WON’T LET ME GO. YOU WON’T LET ME GO. YOU WON’T LET ME GO. YOU WON’T LET ME GO.” and He wasn’t. and i could feel Him. and that was such an important time in my journey.
this morning i had “Muffins for Mom” at amelia’s school. “Muffins for Mom”, and that mom is me. and it’s hard. and i complain. yes, i complain. i have been given a huge gift and i do the very thing that broke my heart years ago. the only difference is, i think i am more aware of who i am complaining around. though that doesn’t make it any better.
i am having a hard time right now. a really hard time. i am searching through myself, trying to understand some things i have been thinking and feeling related to my infertility and adoption of my children. it’s rough stuff. feelings i am ashamed to be feeling. things i am ashamed to be thinking. but, i know it’s part of my journey and something i need to work through.
the boys and i had lunch with a good friend at chick-fil-a. we had a great time. all went well. i dropped the boys off at school and turned on the faithful iPod. i chose to listen to some sara groves, of course. “the one thing i know. what the heck, haven’t heard it in a while.”
tears.
one hand lifted in praise. the other wanted to go up too, but one of them had to hold the steering wheel.
tears.
tears.
“really Lord. wow. and the veil just lifted. i can finally understand the way You work in me. but even if didn’t, You are still a sovereign God Who has a plan for me. this is the one thing i know, You said You won’t let me go. You said You won’t let me go.
You’ve done a good work in me and You won’t quit ’til i’m free”
He took me back to that time years ago. He showed me that even though it’s a different time now and i am in a totally different place, He’s still doing the same thing. He’s holding me. and He won’t let me go.
He won’t let me go.
HE WON’T LET ME GO.
HE WON’T LET ME GO.
HE WON’T LET ME GO.
HE WON’T LET ME GO.
Filed under Jesus, adoption, children, music, parenting | Comments (7)one day at mcdonald’s
i love mcdonald’s. LOVE it! i know, many people think it’s gross, including my husband. but my kids and i, we could dine there every day. yes, dine. yes, every day.
you can’t beat a cheap place with a playland and yummy food. and you can’t beat a mcdonald’s cheeseburger plain with a large order of fries and a coke. maybe the large fries are keeping me from being in the shape i want to be in. should be a hint to myself, but sometimes i can’t deny my mcdonald’s cravings.
yesterday i had a meeting scheduled at church from 9:30am-11:30am. several people were expected, but only two of us showed up. we spent about 25 minutes talking and then ended our time. we were done early. we could go home. or…we could go to mcdonald’s! the boys were so excited. and so was i!
it’s always interesting to observe parents and children at a mcdonald’s playland. i like to see who has good parenting skills, and who doesn’t. who has good behavior, and who doesn’t. i like to see how my children interact with the other children. i like to see how other parents interact with me and one another. yesterday all the kids did great. and i had a few interesting encounters.
at first there was just one other parent and child combo in the playland.
stranger #1(to my boys, about her daughter): her name is brooke, if you want to play with her.
my boys: i am wilbur and i am 5. he is 4 and his name is orville.
stranger #1(to me): i have a 6 year old too. she is in kindergarten. if you want to go order your food, they can stay in here and i’ll watch them.
me: that’s very kind of you, but we’re not eating yet. i am going to let them play a little first.
stranger #1: oh. really? we always eat first and then play.
me: oh. okay. well, my boys just had a snack and it’s a little early for their lunch(it was 10:30am).
stranger #1: okay. well maybe you could watch my daughter while i go have a cigarette.
me: um, okay.
she never went to have one. but, i thought it was interesting that she asked. seriously. we just met. and you’d leave your child with me. for a cigarette? yikes.
another lady comes in. she has a little boy with her. while my boys are playing they tell me they can’t find the pink slide, which happens to be the tallest and most exciting slide. i leave our table so i can walk around the playland, telling them what tubes to go through to get to the pink slide.
stranger #2(the new lady): they’re so cute. are they yours?
me: thank you. yes, they are. (me inside: that cut straight to my heart. why are you asking? should i tell her they are adopted? they don’t look like me. is that why she asked? my heart hurts. they are mine. but they aren’t mine. did you need to ask that? i didn’t ask you if the little boy with you was yours. really, did you have to ask?)
stranger #1: how old are your boys again?
me: the oldest will be 6 in july, so i guess i can just say he’s 6. the youngest one turned 4 in february. then we have a daughter who is 7. she’s at school, in first grade.
stranger #1: oh, i have two girls. i always wanted a boy. but, we’re done. my husband said no more. he had the magic surgery with the golden scissors. i was disappointed i didn’t have a boy.
me: you could always adopt. (me inside: how can you complain about not having a boy? wishing you would have, i can understand. but being disappointed? you should be thankful you have children at all. and what about people who only have boys? don’t you think they’d be thankful for one of your girls?)
stranger #1: i wouldn’t adopt now. not while my kids are young. maybe someday.
me: i can understand that. (me inside: i honestly can. but i know you won’t adopt. and you likely shouldn’t anyway.)
i then overhear stranger #2 telling a friend of hers that the little boy with her is her great nephew. maybe that’s why she asked if my boys were mine. made me feel a little better. but not totally.
stranger #3, stranger #4, and stranger #5(all saying the same thing): your boys are adorable.
me(each time): thank you. they are. (me inside: oh, they are adorable. and i know it. and i hear it all the time. because they really are that adorable. but yes, thank you.)
stranger #6 to stranger #7(two men who were sitting right next to me, talking about the affairs their wives have had. i didn’t interact with them, but the stories i heard broke my heart.): my wife actually said that she could justify her affair because it started before Christmas. this showed they had been together for a while and so the affair should be okay. but i told her no, that only makes it worse. that just means you were lying to me longer.
stranger #7 to stranger #6: i can’t believe she actually said that to you.
i can’t believe it either i thought. should i say something to them? should i tell them i am sorry? should i tell them all women aren’t like this? i didn’t say anything. it wasn’t my place. and the setting wasn’t exactly ideal.
i didn’t say most of what i was thinking/feeling at mcdonald’s yesterday. most people wouldn’t understand. but maybe i should try it sometime.
Filed under adoption, children, family, marriage, parenting | Comments (3)an act of love
every kid has their issue. sometimes it’s chosen for them. sometimes they choose it themselves. sometimes they have multiple issues stemming from multiple experiences. our little wilbur has a bathroom issue. i am not sure if it came with him or if it started here, but he’s had it for about 2 1/2 years now.
he started getting potty trained at his foster home. then when the foster mom heard he was coming to us in a month or two, she decided to stop the training and leave it in our hands. in july of 2006, about 2 months after the kids came home, we realized wilbur was more than ready and able to use the toilet.
we started training him as i am assuming most people do. go potty every couple hours to see if anything can come out. go poopy after a meal, or after gas starts coming. wilbur fought us every step of the way. we could be kind-nothing. we could be mean-nothing. we could prompt him-nothing. we could say nothing-nothing.
eventually, wilbur gave in and started using the toilet regularly. but regularly for wilbur is potty about twice a day and poopy once every few days. he’d be bloated. he’d be gassy. he’d have marks in his underpants. and he’d keep insisting he didn’t need to go.
we sought advice. i googled a ton. we read books. we consulted friends. i asked the pediatrician. we tried mutiple suggestions from kind and loving people. nothing worked. nothing. for whatever reason, wilbur could be on the verge of wetting his pants, or pooping in his pants, and he do anything but go to the bathroom.
our most recent attempt to”help” him was to completely ignore the situation. we wouldn’t ask if he needed to go. we wouldn’t prompt him to go. we wouldn’t remind him to go. it would be up to him. he could choose when to go all on his own. we didn’t talk about this with him, we just stopped talking about it all together.
some days this went over well. other days he’d spend most of his time walking funny, sitting down as much as possible, squeezing his legs together, etc. i started to think this approach wasn’t working when on monday i realized wilbur hadn’t gone poopy since saturday. josh and i talked about it and decided we’d just keep trying to ignore it. then wilbur didn’t go tuesday. and he didn’t go wednesday. and then today came.
i have still been reading twenty things adopted kids want their adoptive parents to know by sherri eldridge. an adoptee herself, sherrie is so insightful in sharing with adoptive parents that their children carry around so much in their heads that they don’t understand and can’t communicate. most of this “stuff” isn’t understood until adulthood and sometimes not even then.
today it got me thinking, which i have thought a few times over the past couple years, that maybe wilbur has such an issue with the bathroom because of all he’s been through. leaving his birthmother at 1 1/2 and being neglected and possibly abused during that time. leaving his foster mother at 2 1/2. starting all over with a “new” mom and dad, in a strange home, with strange things. this can have such a profound effect on a child. and maybe one of the ways wilbur deals with this is by having control over when and how often he goes to the bathroom.
my sister and i had a chance to catch up on the phone today. she lives nearby, but her little ones have been sick and we’ve been really busy, so we haven’t talked much the past couple weeks. during our conversation my sister told me that she recently called focus on the family to get some advice on a sleeping issue with her almost three year old. a counselor returned her call and gave her some pretty good advice. i then shared with her that we are still concerned with wilbur’s bathroom issue and that we’ve tried everything. she suggested i give focus a call, just to get another opinion.
i called. i spoke to a very sweet lady. she took some information from me and told me a counselor would call either today or tomorrow. when i hung up the phone, the Lord shot straight into my heart. “love him,” He said, “he just needs you to love him. when he gets home from school, hold him. tell him you love him. tell him you’re concerned about his body. tell him you want him to try to go poopy so his body won’t be hurt from holding the poopy in. he’s a hurting little guy even though he can’t communicate that to you. so let the bathroom issue go. gently remind him. gently prompt him. he’ll eventually start to take care of it on his own.”
“i am going to do this,” i thought. “oh Lord,” i said, “i hear You and i can feel in my heart that You are communicating this to me and i am so grateful.” i reminded myself that the heart of a mother usually knows best for her child. and i also reminded myself that i know my wilbur better than anyone else. he’s lived with me longer than he did his birth mother and foster combined. and i know i love him more than anyone else, except for his Heavenly Father.
i called josh and left him a message that we needed to talk. i called a good friend and ran the idea by her. she was in agreement and too felt that the Lord had given me an answer. once josh and i got to talk, he agreed with me too.
after school i held wilbur, told him i loved him, and that i was concerned. i asked him to try to go poopy. he literally looked and sounded relieved. almost like he had been waiting for me to love him through this.
he wanted me to be in the bathroom with him, but to not look at him when he was on the toilet. so, i sat on the stool and looked at the opposite wall. he told me when he is going poopy he likes to look at the shower curtain because it is so beautiful. here it is…
wilbur also said he looks at the shower curtain and says daddy, mommy, amelia, wilbur, and orville. i asked why he says our names. he said, “because we are like the flowers. daddy is the biggest, then next is you, and orville is the little one because he is little.”
do you see the 5 flowers inside of the paisley? how cute is that!?!?
wilbur proceeded to tell me his poopy was coming out. and it did, in 4 rather large pieces. i reminded him that sometimes when he is having gas, it means his body is telling him to get the poopy out. and he told me that his tummy has been hurting. and after he was all finished going to the bathroom, he said he felt much better.
i like our new way of doing things already. i think wilbur needs to go through some of the bathroom training process again, the part where we remind him and prompt him to go. i think he needs me to be the mommy of that little boy he was 2 1/2 years ago. and i am so willing to do that.
Filed under Jesus, adoption, children, family, parenting | Comments (3)does anyone know how hard this is?
oh, i know some of you who read do. but the people around me, the people directly around me, my family and friends-they have no idea. i’ve been reading twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew by sherrie eldridge and it’s putting into words things i feel, things my kids feel. it’s giving me insight into their minds, into their hearts. it’s helping me understand things they are unable to verbally express. i have heard mixed reviews of this book, some people like it, some people don’t. if you’ve read it, i’d love your opinion. anyway, somethings really jumped out at me after wilbur’s break down last week. here are a few:
-”unlike other losses we have come to expect in a lifetime, such as death and divorce, adoption is more pervasive, less socially recognized, and more profound.” -being adopted: the lifelong search for self by dr. david brodzinsky & dr. marshall schechter
-”grief is the natural response to loss, and those touched by adoption must be given permission to revisit emotionally the place of loss, feel the pain, scream the anger, cry the tears, and then allow themselves to be loved by others.” -twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew by sherrie eldridge
-”we must be careful not to sanitize sentimentalize, or even glamorize the pain of adoption; it really is miserable stuff, and it is intensely personal. it is interior. the pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person; it is the person. because the pain is so primal, it is virtually impossible to describe.” -the spirit of open adoption by james gritter
did you see that? “the pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person; it is the person.” this isn’t something my wilbur is feeling. this is my wilbur. this is his life. and today we met another family that understands that. another mom and dad who adopted a sibling group of three. a daughter, and two sons, just like us. and the kids are the same ages, the boys being just a couple months apart from our boys. we met for lunch at mcdonald’s. i know, so lovely. but we thought it would be a good place because the kids could play and parents could talk. and we did. and i feel like we could talk a lot more. so we will. isn’t God amazing!?!?
we haven’t had a picture update in a long time. mainly because we haven’t updated in a long time. so here’s a picture update, picking up where we left off from feb. 5th, orville’s 4th birthday.
i was helper in wilbur’s class. we made patterns and had 50’s day, complete with a sock hop.
amelia and i had mother daughter night at church. of course no pictures were taken of the two of us.
we celebrated orville’s birthday with family and friends.
he received a substantial amount of clothing from grammy.
and the orderly little guy that he is, he felt he needed to immediately take his new clothes to the laundry basket in his room. right in the middle of his party, he just marched right up the stairs. it was too cute!
i was helper in amelia’s class for her valentine’s day party.
josh took the garland down from the porch and used it to pretend to be a monster. it was pretty funny.
we finally got to play outside. my nephew joined us.
i was helper in orville’s class again. grammy joined us.
the boys and i had a special day out. wendy’s for lunch, then a park for playing and riding bikes.
amelia and i had a very special night out at secret keeper girl.
amelia had a hearing test at children’s hospital after failing the school hearing test twice. she’s just fine, but can’t hear very faint sounds.
orville and josh had daddies night at pre-school.
i was greeted one morning by the kids doing yoga. so hilarious!
josh and amelia had a daddy daughter date. chuck e. cheese and taco bell. all amelia’s choosing.
we went to columbus to visit our very dear friends.
during our stay we took a trip to the columbus zoo. very nice. very big.
orville fell asleep on the way home from the zoo. then everyone had some much needed down time. including the dads who fell asleep.
just friday, the kids, my mom and i, went to the cleveland children’s museum to have a fun time on our last day of spring break. the special feature right now at the museum is a room filled with tons, literally, of sand. we went back in january of ‘07 too. the kids have changed so much since then!
a three hour conversation
our senior pastor is on the board at our local children’s services agency and when their usual Easter basket supplier stepped down, he stepped up and volunteered our church. many gladly participated, including our family. we chose to do three baskets, since we have three kids. and we also chose to make baskets for teenagers because i am sure most people think it’s much more fun to make baskets for babies and toddlers. i understand, and in some ways agree. but, i didn’t want the teens left out.
when we signed up for the baskets, we explained it to the kids and we’ve talked about it some over the past few weeks. today, was the day to take our baskets to church so i loaded them in the van before we left to pick amelia up from school. while we were sitting in the van waiting for the schoolbell to ring, wilbur asked what the baskets were for. i could tell he knew, but just wanted to hear about it one more time. i explained to him that they are for kids in foster homes. i reminded him that it’s like when he was in his foster home and that the kids who would get the baskets aren’t able to live with their parents because their parents can’t take very good care of them. i asked him if he remembered his foster mom and living in her home. and he started to cry. his seat is in the back of the van so i had him unbuckle and come up to the front. i hugged him and held onto him andhe just cried and cried. i asked him if he knew why he was crying or what he was crying about. he said no. then he said he missed his foster mom and his birthmom and dad. i suggested that when we got home we could look at some pictures from his foster home and spend some time talking.
we got amelia and headed to josh’s office where i needed to pick something up. wilbur started to cry again. we headed to church to drop off the baskets. wilbur started to cry again. we headed to get the oil changed in the van. wilbur started to cry again. we headed home. wilbur started to cry again.
at home, he got out a book i made each of the kids for Christmas. it’s the story of our family, how we were formed, when we visited, when they came home, etc. i read him the story and poor little wilbur just cried. from the time he started crying at amelia’s school, to the time he was able to fully calm down at home, took about three hours.
today we spent three hours crying and talking about birthparents and foster moms. our poor little wilbur is trying so hard to put together his crazy life. he was just sobbing at times. almost like in agony. i think his little heart just feels so broken. he said he misses his birthparents and wants to see them. people he doesn’t know. people he doesn’t remember. but people he is connected to anyway. people that he is so strongly connected to he just can’t understand. he was just so sad. and of course i am overwhelmed with things that i can’t say to them, because they aren’t old enough to understand. and i don’t even understand some of it myself.
it is so hard.
this is so hard.
at times during our conversation i was wondering why the Lord would put me in this situation. why He would put my children in this situation. i am in awe of the size of the Lord. that He would plan this glorious story for me, for them. this gloriously gut wrenching, heartbreaking story. why did God choose me for this? because though i feel inadequate, incapable, unprepared-i will do it. i can do it. God will fulfill His purpose for me and my children. “i cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.” psalm 57:2 He could have healed my children’s birthfamily. He could have healed my womb. but instead He took all of our brokenness and brought it together. all for His glory. which brings be back to His word that pierced me when we first started on this adoption journey.
philippians 2:13
for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.
ephesians 1:11
in Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will.
romans 9:17
I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display My power in you and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth.
romans 8:18
i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
i don’t understand how this will bring glory to His name. maybe because we are being obedient to His calling? i don’t know. but i do know that believe with all of me that this is part of His divine plan. He made it this way. He needed it to be this way. and i will do my best to walk well this road He has layed out before me. and when we don’t understand and we’re sad, i will point us to Him trusting that He does understand and will bring us peace.
Filed under Jesus, adoption, children, family, parenting | Comments (5)i took my monkeys to see the monkeys
the boys and i went to the rainforest friday. we saw some of the neatest things. i should have written down all of the animals we took pictures of, but i didn’t think about it until we got home. we wanted to share some of the pictures with you.
we really love these monkeys.
they are always taking care of each other.
wilbur thought it was so cute when they hugged.
and then kissed.
he thought it was funny when they did this.
orville thought it was funny too.
mommy did not.
next we made our way the orangutans. they were very active. one of the females, kayla, was visiting with one of the zoo workers. he was showing her his iphone.
she seemed to really like it.
she reached out to him.
and she smiled.
the boys got in on the action.
kayla reached out to wilbur.
he mimicked her.
orville reached out to her too.
then kayla bonded with this lady. she gave me her email address so i could send the photos to her. she was so excited about their interactions, but disappointed her son wasn’t there to see. in this photo she and kayla were sticking their tongues out at each other.
then they made kind of serious faces.
then they kissed the window.
they touched hands.
kayla was very happy.
she moved away from that part of the windows.
she visited with her male friend tiram.
and then the unthinkable. she picked up a piece of poop.
and threw it at the window, right at the head of this boy who was waving at her.
yes, poop.
and then, she smelled her fingers.
it was hysterical.
and the boys slept all the way home.
that night, orville found this pile of wilbur’s clothes on the floor in their room. he yelled out, “oh no, wilbur’s gone. look he’s not here. we can’t find him. he’s all gone.” we found wilbur. he was in the bathroom. he had to go so bad when he was changing into his pajamas that he just left his clothes in a pile in the middle of his room. and orville thought he disappeared.
Filed under Uncategorized, adoption, blogroll, children, family, for fun, parenting | Comments (3)