an act of love
every kid has their issue. sometimes it’s chosen for them. sometimes they choose it themselves. sometimes they have multiple issues stemming from multiple experiences. our little wilbur has a bathroom issue. i am not sure if it came with him or if it started here, but he’s had it for about 2 1/2 years now.
he started getting potty trained at his foster home. then when the foster mom heard he was coming to us in a month or two, she decided to stop the training and leave it in our hands. in july of 2006, about 2 months after the kids came home, we realized wilbur was more than ready and able to use the toilet.
we started training him as i am assuming most people do. go potty every couple hours to see if anything can come out. go poopy after a meal, or after gas starts coming. wilbur fought us every step of the way. we could be kind-nothing. we could be mean-nothing. we could prompt him-nothing. we could say nothing-nothing.
eventually, wilbur gave in and started using the toilet regularly. but regularly for wilbur is potty about twice a day and poopy once every few days. he’d be bloated. he’d be gassy. he’d have marks in his underpants. and he’d keep insisting he didn’t need to go.
we sought advice. i googled a ton. we read books. we consulted friends. i asked the pediatrician. we tried mutiple suggestions from kind and loving people. nothing worked. nothing. for whatever reason, wilbur could be on the verge of wetting his pants, or pooping in his pants, and he do anything but go to the bathroom.
our most recent attempt to”help” him was to completely ignore the situation. we wouldn’t ask if he needed to go. we wouldn’t prompt him to go. we wouldn’t remind him to go. it would be up to him. he could choose when to go all on his own. we didn’t talk about this with him, we just stopped talking about it all together.
some days this went over well. other days he’d spend most of his time walking funny, sitting down as much as possible, squeezing his legs together, etc. i started to think this approach wasn’t working when on monday i realized wilbur hadn’t gone poopy since saturday. josh and i talked about it and decided we’d just keep trying to ignore it. then wilbur didn’t go tuesday. and he didn’t go wednesday. and then today came.
i have still been reading twenty things adopted kids want their adoptive parents to know by sherri eldridge. an adoptee herself, sherrie is so insightful in sharing with adoptive parents that their children carry around so much in their heads that they don’t understand and can’t communicate. most of this “stuff” isn’t understood until adulthood and sometimes not even then.
today it got me thinking, which i have thought a few times over the past couple years, that maybe wilbur has such an issue with the bathroom because of all he’s been through. leaving his birthmother at 1 1/2 and being neglected and possibly abused during that time. leaving his foster mother at 2 1/2. starting all over with a “new” mom and dad, in a strange home, with strange things. this can have such a profound effect on a child. and maybe one of the ways wilbur deals with this is by having control over when and how often he goes to the bathroom.
my sister and i had a chance to catch up on the phone today. she lives nearby, but her little ones have been sick and we’ve been really busy, so we haven’t talked much the past couple weeks. during our conversation my sister told me that she recently called focus on the family to get some advice on a sleeping issue with her almost three year old. a counselor returned her call and gave her some pretty good advice. i then shared with her that we are still concerned with wilbur’s bathroom issue and that we’ve tried everything. she suggested i give focus a call, just to get another opinion.
i called. i spoke to a very sweet lady. she took some information from me and told me a counselor would call either today or tomorrow. when i hung up the phone, the Lord shot straight into my heart. “love him,” He said, “he just needs you to love him. when he gets home from school, hold him. tell him you love him. tell him you’re concerned about his body. tell him you want him to try to go poopy so his body won’t be hurt from holding the poopy in. he’s a hurting little guy even though he can’t communicate that to you. so let the bathroom issue go. gently remind him. gently prompt him. he’ll eventually start to take care of it on his own.”
“i am going to do this,” i thought. “oh Lord,” i said, “i hear You and i can feel in my heart that You are communicating this to me and i am so grateful.” i reminded myself that the heart of a mother usually knows best for her child. and i also reminded myself that i know my wilbur better than anyone else. he’s lived with me longer than he did his birth mother and foster combined. and i know i love him more than anyone else, except for his Heavenly Father.
i called josh and left him a message that we needed to talk. i called a good friend and ran the idea by her. she was in agreement and too felt that the Lord had given me an answer. once josh and i got to talk, he agreed with me too.
after school i held wilbur, told him i loved him, and that i was concerned. i asked him to try to go poopy. he literally looked and sounded relieved. almost like he had been waiting for me to love him through this.
he wanted me to be in the bathroom with him, but to not look at him when he was on the toilet. so, i sat on the stool and looked at the opposite wall. he told me when he is going poopy he likes to look at the shower curtain because it is so beautiful. here it is…
wilbur also said he looks at the shower curtain and says daddy, mommy, amelia, wilbur, and orville. i asked why he says our names. he said, “because we are like the flowers. daddy is the biggest, then next is you, and orville is the little one because he is little.”
do you see the 5 flowers inside of the paisley? how cute is that!?!?
wilbur proceeded to tell me his poopy was coming out. and it did, in 4 rather large pieces. i reminded him that sometimes when he is having gas, it means his body is telling him to get the poopy out. and he told me that his tummy has been hurting. and after he was all finished going to the bathroom, he said he felt much better.
i like our new way of doing things already. i think wilbur needs to go through some of the bathroom training process again, the part where we remind him and prompt him to go. i think he needs me to be the mommy of that little boy he was 2 1/2 years ago. and i am so willing to do that.
Filed under adoption, children, family, Jesus, parenting | Comments (3)a three hour conversation
our senior pastor is on the board at our local children’s services agency and when their usual Easter basket supplier stepped down, he stepped up and volunteered our church. many gladly participated, including our family. we chose to do three baskets, since we have three kids. and we also chose to make baskets for teenagers because i am sure most people think it’s much more fun to make baskets for babies and toddlers. i understand, and in some ways agree. but, i didn’t want the teens left out.
when we signed up for the baskets, we explained it to the kids and we’ve talked about it some over the past few weeks. today, was the day to take our baskets to church so i loaded them in the van before we left to pick amelia up from school. while we were sitting in the van waiting for the schoolbell to ring, wilbur asked what the baskets were for. i could tell he knew, but just wanted to hear about it one more time. i explained to him that they are for kids in foster homes. i reminded him that it’s like when he was in his foster home and that the kids who would get the baskets aren’t able to live with their parents because their parents can’t take very good care of them. i asked him if he remembered his foster mom and living in her home. and he started to cry. his seat is in the back of the van so i had him unbuckle and come up to the front. i hugged him and held onto him andhe just cried and cried. i asked him if he knew why he was crying or what he was crying about. he said no. then he said he missed his foster mom and his birthmom and dad. i suggested that when we got home we could look at some pictures from his foster home and spend some time talking.
we got amelia and headed to josh’s office where i needed to pick something up. wilbur started to cry again. we headed to church to drop off the baskets. wilbur started to cry again. we headed to get the oil changed in the van. wilbur started to cry again. we headed home. wilbur started to cry again.
at home, he got out a book i made each of the kids for Christmas. it’s the story of our family, how we were formed, when we visited, when they came home, etc. i read him the story and poor little wilbur just cried. from the time he started crying at amelia’s school, to the time he was able to fully calm down at home, took about three hours.
today we spent three hours crying and talking about birthparents and foster moms. our poor little wilbur is trying so hard to put together his crazy life. he was just sobbing at times. almost like in agony. i think his little heart just feels so broken. he said he misses his birthparents and wants to see them. people he doesn’t know. people he doesn’t remember. but people he is connected to anyway. people that he is so strongly connected to he just can’t understand. he was just so sad. and of course i am overwhelmed with things that i can’t say to them, because they aren’t old enough to understand. and i don’t even understand some of it myself.
it is so hard.
this is so hard.
at times during our conversation i was wondering why the Lord would put me in this situation. why He would put my children in this situation. i am in awe of the size of the Lord. that He would plan this glorious story for me, for them. this gloriously gut wrenching, heartbreaking story. why did God choose me for this? because though i feel inadequate, incapable, unprepared-i will do it. i can do it. God will fulfill His purpose for me and my children. “i cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.” psalm 57:2 He could have healed my children’s birthfamily. He could have healed my womb. but instead He took all of our brokenness and brought it together. all for His glory. which brings be back to His word that pierced me when we first started on this adoption journey.
philippians 2:13
for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.
ephesians 1:11
in Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will.
romans 9:17
I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display My power in you and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth.
romans 8:18
i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
i don’t understand how this will bring glory to His name. maybe because we are being obedient to His calling? i don’t know. but i do know that believe with all of me that this is part of His divine plan. He made it this way. He needed it to be this way. and i will do my best to walk well this road He has layed out before me. and when we don’t understand and we’re sad, i will point us to Him trusting that He does understand and will bring us peace.
Filed under adoption, children, family, Jesus, parenting | Comments (5)II peter 1:3-8
“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. for this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. for if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
the sermon at church tonight was amazing. i have read this passage before. i have heard preaching on this passage before. but tonight, something was different. don’t you love that about the Word of God? i felt a motivation inside to do my life a little better.
one of the ideas i had during the service was to make a list of the above qualities and figure out what it means for me to pursue each one. i’m not ready to post my ideas on here-too much accountability! but, i did share my ideas with josh and we’re both going to make lists.
i can read about goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love. i can think about all of those things. but, what do they look like in my life? i want to know. i want to put effort into living them, with increasing measure. i want to see what my life looks like that way. it feels like it will look beautiful. i want a beautiful life.
want to make a list? maybe someday we can share them with each other.
1. goodness
2. knowledge
3. self-control
4. perseverance
5. godliness
6. brotherly kindness
7. love
oh, and don’t forget, it all starts with our faith in Christ. then we build on our faith with the above virtues.
Filed under Jesus | Comment (1)holding hands
“I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand.” isaiah 42:6
this is the scripture from my devotions today. wow! one sentence. just one. and it opened up a myriad of thoughts in my little brain. it made me ask the Lord, “why don’t i take hold of Your hand more often? why do i try to do so much of this on my own? why do i want to impart all of Your qualities to my children, yet i so often forget to ask for Your help in doing that? oh Lord, please take hold of my hand today.”
we went to see the tale of despereaux on saturday. what a fabulous movie! in a world where most of the entertainment offered for our children is full of selfishness and violence, this movie focuses on Biblical values. bravery, honor, honesty, justice, courage, decency, codes of honor, heroism, love, chivalry, friendship, nobility, devotion, and forgiveness were its’ themes. i want to see it again already!
and did i mention that despereaux is adorable? he is the cutest little cartoon mouse ever. in the movie, when he was born, i leaned over to orville and said, “isn’t he so cute?” orville said, “yeah, i want to buy him.” precious.
saturday night was haircut night for the boys. it was needed. and how wonderful that josh is equipped with clipper skills and patience so we don’t have to pay to have this task completed.
orville went first. and he asked if josh could make him look like papa. papa is my dad, and he is balding. he has been for sometime. and the boys think it’s neat to get their haircut like his.
papa’s hair.
orville, sportin’ his papa cut.
aerial view.
josh hard at work.
almost done.
wilbur’s turn. really, this personality is just way too big for this mama to handle! he’s just chillin’, leanin’ back, getting his papa cut.
and then of course he had to pretend it hurts.
what a nut!
and he’s finished. and he’s crazy.
and he wanted everyone to see his muscles.
after haircuts, we had to clip fingernails and toenails. wilbur does fine with both. orville does fine with his fingernails. orville does not however, do fine with his toenails. he sits still, doesn’t fight it, but screams and cries like crazy. he insists it hurts. oh please.
here’s some fun oldies.
these are from the first time the boys got their hair cut with us, june 2006.
and these are from the first time josh cut their hair, july 2006.
today
marks one week of no meds for amelia. so far, so good.
Lord, please continue to protect our little girl’s body.
Filed under children, Jesus | Comment (0)no more meds
amelia had her last dose just before bed tonight. we are very much praying that all goes well. we won’t know for a few days probably. please pray with us.
Filed under children, Jesus, parenting | Comments (2)a little piece of pineapple
sometimes the littlest things can get under my skin in big ways. this morning at breakfast wilbur told me he was having a hard time chewing and felt like he needed to cough. i told him to swallow his food and then go ahead and cough. he couldn’t seem to do that.
he said he was chewing some pineapple. some of it went down. some of it couldn’t. i told him to take a drink. he did, then kept chewing. i told him to take another drink and swallow the pineapple and the drink together. he took another drink, then kept chewing. i sent him into another room to finish chewing and swallowing because the chewing was starting to drive me crazy. after a minute or two i asked if he was still chewing. he was. i told him to come back to the table to get another drink and to try again to swallow the drink and the pineapple together. he took another drink, and kept chewing. i sent him back to the other room.
i called josh. got his voicemail.
i called my friend erin, and while i was dialing her number i thought, “really kirsten? you can’t figure this out on your own?”
i was annoyed. i was frustrated.
erin and i talked it through. i had given wilbur a few pieces of pineapple. he had eaten them all with no problem. but this one little piece was becoming a big problem. at least to me. do let him spit it out? do i make him sit until he swallows it? i told erin my verse from my devotional today was
“i can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” philippians 4:13
did i really need the strength of the Lord to deal with a piece of pineapple? erin and i got off the phone. i went in to wilbur. he was still chewing. i asked him to show me the piece of pineapple. it was so small he could barely find it in his own mouth!
i had him come back to the table. i had him take a bite of toast. i told him to chew the toast and pineapple together and then to swallow them together. he did. it went down. the pineapple was finally gone.
i called erin. “the Lord did give you His strength”, she said, “and He gave you wisdom.”
“i call on the Lord in my distress, and He answers me” psalm 120:1
