i think i know why i have been feeling this way.  actually, i don’t think i know, i do know. and i know i need to do something about it.  and i know what to do.  but i keep forgetting.  and then it gets dark again.  but right now i am remembering.  all of that to say, this heart is full of words that need to come out.  and they will come.  but tonight i wanted to take some time to be thankful.   for this man,

who in lieu of sleeping in, got up just like any other day, to celebrate his day, with his children.  and with his sleepy eyes and bedhead hair,  he graced our breakfast table with his presence for some dunkin donuts, coffee, and the children’s father’s day cards.

amelia made him the biggeset card i’ve ever seen.  and it was cute.  and silly. and made no sense.  but it was so precious, because it was from her.  from her heart, for her father.

wilbur wanted nothing to do with making a card.  i guess that’s a boy thing?  so he picked this one.

orville didn’t want to make a card either, at least not while we were at the store and wilbur was picking out already made cards.  but when we got home, he changed his tune and joined the crafting with amelia.  so for daddy, he had two cards.

then we went on a hike.

we got sweaty, muddy, hot, tired.  the kids loved it.  and i think josh had a good time, though it was more work with three little ones than either of us would have liked.

we had a cookout at my sister’s place where we also got to visit with my dad.  then we went on to church where the kids made more father’s day cards.

we are so blessed to have this man in our lives.  he is committed to our marriage and to our family.  he has such a strong desire to be a good father.  and he is.  and i am thankful.

you can’t beat a cheap place with a playland and yummy food.  and you can’t beat a mcdonald’s cheeseburger plain with a large order of fries and a coke.  maybe the large fries are keeping me from being in the shape i want to be in.  should be a hint to myself, but sometimes i can’t deny my mcdonald’s cravings.

yesterday i had a meeting scheduled at church from 9:30am-11:30am.  several people were expected, but only two of us showed up.  we spent about 25 minutes talking and then ended our time.  we were done early.  we could go home.  or…we could go to mcdonald’s!  the boys were so excited.  and so was i!

it’s always interesting to observe parents and children at a mcdonald’s playland.  i like to see who has good parenting skills, and who doesn’t.  who has good behavior, and who doesn’t.  i like to see how my children interact with the other children.  i like to see how other parents interact with me and one another.  yesterday all the  kids did great.  and i had a few interesting encounters.

at first there was just one other parent and child combo in the playland.

stranger #1(to my boys, about her daughter):  her name is brooke, if you want to play with her.

my boys:  i am wilbur and i am 5.  he is 4 and his name is orville.

stranger #1(to me):  i have a 6 year old too.  she is in kindergarten.  if you want to go order your food, they can stay in here and i’ll watch them.

me:  that’s very kind of you, but we’re not eating yet.  i am going to let them play a little first.

stranger #1:  oh.  really?  we always eat first and then play.

me:  oh.  okay.  well, my boys just had a snack and it’s a little early for their lunch(it was 10:30am).

stranger #1:  okay.  well maybe you could watch my daughter while i go have a cigarette.

me:  um, okay.

she never went to have one.  but, i thought it was interesting that she asked.  seriously.  we just met.  and you’d leave your child with me.  for a cigarette?  yikes.

another lady comes in.  she has a little boy with her.  while my boys are playing they tell me they can’t find the pink slide, which happens to be the tallest and most exciting slide.  i leave our table so i can walk around the playland, telling them what tubes to go through to get to the pink slide.

stranger #2(the new lady):  they’re so cute.  are they yours?

me:  thank you.  yes, they are.  (me inside:  that cut straight to my heart.  why are you asking?  should i tell her they are adopted?  they don’t look like me.  is that why she asked?  my heart hurts.  they are mine.  but they aren’t mine.  did you need to ask that?  i didn’t ask you if the little boy with you was yours.  really, did you have to ask?)

stranger #1:  how old are your boys again?

me:  the oldest will be 6 in july, so i guess i can just say he’s 6.  the youngest one turned 4 in february.  then we have a daughter who is 7.  she’s at school, in first grade.

stranger #1:  oh, i have two girls.  i always wanted a boy.  but, we’re done.  my husband said no more.  he had the magic surgery with the golden scissors.  i was disappointed i didn’t have a boy.

me:  you could always adopt.  (me inside:  how can you complain about not having a boy?  wishing you would have, i can understand.  but being disappointed?  you should be thankful you have children at all. and what about people who only have boys?  don’t you think they’d be thankful for one of your girls?)

stranger #1:  i wouldn’t adopt now.  not while my kids are young.  maybe someday.

me:  i can understand that.  (me inside:  i honestly can.  but i know you won’t adopt.  and you likely shouldn’t anyway.)

i then overhear stranger #2 telling a friend of hers that the little boy with her is her great nephew.  maybe that’s why she asked if my boys were mine.  made me feel a little better.  but not totally.

stranger #3, stranger #4, and stranger #5(all saying the same thing):  your boys are adorable.

me(each time):  thank you.  they are.  (me inside:  oh, they are adorable.  and i know it.  and i hear it all the time.  because they really are that adorable. but yes, thank you.)

stranger #6 to stranger #7(two men who were sitting right next to me, talking about the affairs their wives have had.  i didn’t interact with them, but the stories i heard broke my heart.): my wife actually said that she could justify her affair because it started before Christmas.  this showed they had been together for a while and so the affair should be okay.  but i told her no, that only makes it worse.  that just means you were lying to me longer.

stranger #7 to stranger #6:  i can’t believe she actually said that to you.

i can’t believe it either i thought.  should i say something to them? should i tell them i am sorry?  should i tell them all women aren’t like this?  i didn’t say anything.  it wasn’t my place.  and the setting wasn’t exactly ideal.

i didn’t say most of what i was thinking/feeling at mcdonald’s yesterday.  most people wouldn’t understand.   but maybe i should try it sometime.

wilbur showed us that his priorities are out of whack.

we did a much needed run to sam’s club.  can you ever really go there enough?  we had outback takeout for dinner.  can you ever really do that enough?  and now, i am folding laundry.

listening to sara groves via the apple tv.  i don’t think i can explain how awesome my husband is for putting all of her music on there.

my husband is patching the wall in the bathroom where he and my father-in-law added an extra switch for our newly installed exhaust fan.

and the kids are playing food and dogs in their rooms.

it’s almost snack time.  then bed time.  then free time for me!

when i was sick, my wonderful MIL brought over some soup and apple crisp to help me feel better.  and to help my family eat since i couldn’t cook.  wilbur doesn’t like “mushy apples”.  this means he won’t eat homemade applesauce, apple pie, apple crisp, baked apples, etc.  sometimes we make him try some.  you never know.  maybe sometime he’ll start to like “mushy apples”.  here’s his serving.

here’s him crying about his serving.

here he is taking a bite of his serving.  oh, so painful.  give me a break!

here’s amelia during the same meal.

and orville.

here’s amelia and orville playing Wii while wilbur finishes his “mushy apples”.

wilbur after the “mushy apples” are all in his tummy.  he’s just fine.

snack for that night. lemonade licorice, pieces of a kit kat.  prepared by josh.

the boys like to play in amelia’s room.  the play kitchen is in there.  and all the play food.  i don’t usually allow them in there unless she’s home.  and they ask her.  and she gives them permission.  this day, i let them.  while she was at school. they practiced being dads.  too cute.  

we had a wonderful thanksgiving.  hope you did too.

here’s gramps basting the turkey.

the bird in all its glory.

wilbur at his seat, waiting for the meal to begin.  and, eyeing his candy choo choo train that grammy placed at his seat for him.

we took some family pictures.  this is our “sad face” shot.

orville is working on some bigger kid things. like putting his coat on by himself.  he’s not quite there yet.

the boys and i went bowling.  santa was there.  we didn’t get many shots with him.  orville was terrified. the bowling was a blast though.

we had taco night.  josh couldn’t resist playing with his food.  he usually can’t.

josh and i were parent helpers at orville’s school last week.

josh helped the kids build a castle.

wilbur was taking a trip to mcdonald’s in the school’s camper.

josh coloring with some of the girls in orville’s class.

amelia had her 1st grade Christmas concert at school on wednesday.  here she is before we left.

here she is performing.  she’s third from the right, in the front row.

we found out amelia was having a hard time seeing some things at school.  ”words on the chalkboard are a little blurry,” she said.  so we took a trip to the eye doctor thursday morning.

and we got a prescription for glasses.  that night she and i took a trip to the “glasses store”.

i tried some on too.  so thankful i don’t need them!

and friday night, josh and i got to take a trip to PA for the love came down tour.  

here is the stage.

leeland-singing sound of melodies.

sara groves and half of jars of clay-singing o come let us adore Him.

leigh nash-from sixpence none the richer-and i.

sara groves and i.

jars, and the drummer from leeland, did an amazing job on little drummer boy. jars is known for that song in some circles.  they went over the top with the drumming this night.  it was amazing.  they were so into it. and you could tell they were doing it for the glory of the Lord.  and it was almost overwhelming.  the little drummer boy had nothing to offer.  no gifts for the King.  but he had his drum.  and he played it. and he played his best.  and i thought, “i have nothing to offer.  nothing worthy of my King.  i am a wife and a mother.  i need to do that my best.  for Him.”  here are the lyrics to little drummer boy.  i took out all the pa rum pum pum pums.  

come they told me
a new born King to see
our finest gifts we bring
to lay before the King

so to honor Him
when we come

Little Baby
i am a poor boy too
i have no gift to bring
that’s fit to give the King

shall i play for You
on my drum? 

mary nodded
the ox and lamb kept time 
i played my drum for Him
i played my best for Him

then He smiled at me 
me and my drum

we are busy getting ready for Christmas.  we keep having conversations with the kids about what Christmas is really all about.  and i keep reminding myself.  sara groves new Christmas CD has been very helpful with this.  

it came upon a midnight clear

it came upon the midnight clear,
that glorious song of old,

from angels bending near the earth,

to touch their harps of gold:

“peace on the earth, goodwill to men

from heavens all gracious King!”

the world in solemn stillness lay

to hear the angels, to hear them sing

o ye beneath life’s crushing load,

whose forms are bending low,

who toil along the climbing way

with painful steps so slow;

look now, for glad and golden hours

come swiftly on the wing;

oh rest beside the weary road

and hear the angels, and hear them sing

still through broken skies they come,

with peaceful wings unfurled;

and still their heavenly music floats

o’er all the weary world:

above its sad and lowly plains

they bend on hovering wing,

and ever o’er Babel sounds

the blessed angels, the blessed angels sing

peace, peace

and in your dark street shines 
an Everlasting Light
and all your hopes and fears
are met in Him tonight

i hope your heart is preparing for His arrival too.

hopefully none of us get sick so i can keep up with the blogging.  

the joy of laundry, four loads.  the joy of vacuuming, the upstairs only, because i did the downstairs yesterday.  the joy of dusting, haven’t done that in awhile.  the joy of grocery shopping, at least it’s only with one kid while the other two are in school.  the joy of baking 4 dozen cookies for the cookie exchange at mother’s club at church tomorrow.  or should i find joy in buying 4 dozen cookies??  the joy of preparing dinner for the in-laws, which i really am happy to do.  especially because they are watching the kids so josh and i can go to amelia’s school conference.  and they are watching them earlier than we need them to so josh and i can go out to dinner together before the conference.  but, my mother-in-law has become a gourmet cook in her all-the-children-out-of-the-home-days, so my all-the-children-in-the-home-days produce inferior meals compared to hers.  and please know, this is all coming from my brain and my insecurities.  she’s never said anything bad about my cooking.  it’s just that i know chicken and noodles from the oven doesn’t sound as cool as something that has been sautéed or poached.

wow, i am really not feeling the joy today.  the sarcastic kind, yes.  but not real joy.  to my Lord i go.

“bring joy to your servant, for to You, O Lord, i lift up my soul.” psalm 86:4

“the Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and i am helped. my heart leaps for joy and i will give thanks to Him in song.”  psalm 28:7

he is so hysterical! his sense of humor is one of the first things i fell in love with. i am so thankful that he’s still funny and i still find him amusing.

invade-watermark

come, come in
invade all You see of us
any man, who’d walk Your road is welcomed here
and You’re the only one

Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house
tread this place and turn it inside out
with Your mercy…
Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors
until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
and let Your truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus invade…

reach, reach in
with the hand that heals all our suffering
conquer all that is not of You
bring Your spirit through as we fill these walls with Your praise

Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house
tread this place and turn it inside out
with Your mercy…
Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors
until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
and let Your truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus invade…

i call for angels
i call for mercy
i call for freedom
in the name of Jesus
in the name of Jesus

come, come in
invade all You see of us
any man, who’d walk Your road is welcomed here
and You’re the only one

Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house
tread this place and turn it inside out
with Your mercy…
Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors
until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
and let Your truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus invade…

-nothing but the blood of Jesus

what can make me whole again?

-nothing but the blood of Jesus

oh precious is the flow, that makes me white as snow

no other fount i know, nothing but the blood of Jesus”

i was at a women’s conference this weekend. i know, i know, you usually come home from these things “changed” or “wanting to change”. but, i have been wanting to change for some time now. i have been a Christian since i was 5. that’s 26 years now. on one hand, i praise the Lord that He saved me at such a young age. on the other, i wonder why has it taken so long, and so many attempts, to actually live like i’m saved. oh, i am not a bad person. i love my husband and my children. we have a nice home and nice cars. we are faithful at church, even serve there in multiple ways. we pay our bills. we pay our taxes. we shovel the sidewalk and even put the carts in the right place in the grocery store parking lot. i pray and sing in worship to my God, but my heart hasn’t chased after His in quite awhile.

so the conference broke me. no. not really. increased my desire, yes. but what broke me was the HUGE argument i had, about EVERYTHING, with my husband late last night. and as i stepped into the shower to get ready for bed, my heart just came spilling out to my God.

“what can wash away my sin?

-nothing but the blood of Jesus

what can make me whole again?

-nothing but the blood of Jesus

oh precious is the flow, that makes me white as snow,

no other fount i know, nothing but the blood of Jesus”

“oh, but Lord, i am so broken,” i sobbed. “i am so broken, so broken, so broken. i don’t love my husband the way i should. i don’t love my children the way i should. i don’t live for You the way i should. please help me.” and He so gently replied,

“come all ye who are weary

come all ye who are heavy laden

come all ye who are broken and suffering

and I will give you rest”

and over and over i sang it, “come all ye who are weary…” and for the first time ever, i realized, i have to come. i have to come to Him, and He will give me rest. all i have to do is simply come. He’s waiting. and for the first time, in a long time, i fell asleep last night with such peace. such a deep, sweet peace. the kind only Jesus can provide.

“this is all my hope and peace

-nothing but the blood of Jesus

this is all my righteousness

nothing but the blood of Jesus”

thank you Lord.