“advice?  oh, i wish i could just take this away from you because i know how painful it can be. it has been all encompassing for me.  i feel a loss for the child i never had and i feel a loss for what i missed out on with the children that i do have.

i, just about an hour ago was sharing with a dear friend that i have spent time over the past 6 years grieving a baby that will never be.  it seems so absurd in some ways, to say goodbye to something i never had.

and, there are many days, and sometimes multiple times a day, that my heart breaks for what i missed with my kids.  sometimes i look at their sweet faces and get so sad because i didn’t know them as babies.  in a lot of ways i can’t even imagine amelia and wilbur as babies because there are no pictures of them before amelia was 3 1/2 and wilbur was 1 1/2.  with orville we have pictures from when he was 2 months so i know what he looked like, but i never held him or bathed him or smelled him.

i know that while i missed so much, i get to be a part of more than anyone else.  who my children become will be because of how josh and i work with the Lord to raise them.  and from the moment they came home, until the moment they return to the Lord(or the moment i do)i am the one they will call mom, the one they’ll cling to when they need something, the one they’ll rejoice with when something wonderful happens, etc. sometimes thinking about all of this helps me, and sometimes it doesn’t.  but, for all i did miss, there is so much i get to see.

this adoption/infertility thing really is crazy.  it is.  it just flat out is.  there are moments it makes total sense and then there are moments where i can’t figure out anything at all.  and somehow, in the midst of all of the craziness, is our God.  the God of the universe.  the God who made me, made josh, made amelia, made wilbur, made orville, made you, made your  husband, made your little one.  He is there.  and He knows exactly what He’s doing.

and while most of me gets that, there’s a big part of me that doesn’t.   and then i remind myself that it really has nothing to do with me.  it’s all about Him.  and in His infinite wisdom, He has a plan that is good for me and josh and amelia and wilbur and orville and you and your husband and your little one.

and most importantly, i know He loves me and i know He loves YOU.  and i know when my heart is breaking and when your heart is breaking, His breaks too.  and He watches us and listens to us and sends people to hold us because that’s what He’d want to do.

if He were physically here i have no doubt that He’d scoop you up into His arms and say, “child, I love you.  I am so sorry this is so hard for you.  I know your heart is breaking.  I know sometimes you struggle to take one more step.  but, trust Me.  lean on Me.   I have a plan for you.  I know it doesn’t all make sense now, but someday it will.  I promise.”  and He’d wipe away your tears.

remember when you shared these jeremy camp lyrics with me?  “there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears.  there will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face.”

what a journey!

as we studied the Word last thursday night, i was again noticing all of the interpretations.  for some of the questions, i had no answers.  for some of the questions, i changed my answers as i listened to others explain their answers.  for some questions, i totally disagreed with the answers of others.

on my way home from my study, i was thanking the Lord for the opportunity to be a part of a group where different interpretations can be shared and learning and growing can take place.  and then it struck me that what He has done in my life is so clear that there is no room for interpretation.  at least not in my eyes.  and i was overwhelmed with gratitude.  and i thanked Him for making His course for my life so obvious.  i thanked Him for doing something so obvious in my life.  i really can’t blindly pass by unexplained infertility, the calling to adopt, or the three little ones who live in my home. i know He can do subtle things to get our attention, to direct us.  i thanked Him for doing something clear for me.

i don’t understand.  why infertility?  why abuse?  why neglect?  why a broken home?  why a broken family?  why?  oh, why?

i don’t need to understand.

“for My thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways My ways,”
declares the Lord.
“as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
isaiah 55:8~9

if you trace any part of this story, it all points to Him.  if you take it back to the beginning, it begins with Him.  if you look at the big picture, you see Him.

during my conversation with Him, this song came to mind.

“oh the Glory of it all is
He came here
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

oh the Glory of it all is
He is here
for redemption from the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all”
glory of it all ~ dcb

He came here.  He rescued us.  He provided redemption from the fall.  ALL so that WE MAY LIVE FOR THE GLORY OF IT ALL.

this story.  my story.  His story in me is all for His glory.

this seems to be a major theme in my life lately, realizing and understanding it’s not about me at all, but that it’s all for His glory.  though i have known this for a long time, it’s an entirely different thing to attempt to grasp it.  i pray i am somehow able to do that.  that i am somehow able to take myself out of the equation.  i pray that when people see our family, they see Him.  i pray that as our children grow and learn, they see Him too.

You hold on to all my pain
with it You are pulling me closer
and pulling me into Your ways

now around every corner
and up every mountain
i’m not looking for crowns
or the water from fountains
i’m desperate in seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face
is all that i need
i will say to You

it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this

i don’t understand Your ways
oh but i will give You my song
give You all of my praise

You hold on to all my pain
with it You are pulling me closer
and pulling me into Your ways

now around every corner
and up every mountain
i’m not looking for crowns
or the water from fountains
i’m desperate in seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face
is all that i need
i will say to You

it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this

You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it all
i believe this
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it all
i believe this”
~ rita springer

this song was pretty much a daily part of the beginning of my infertility journey. i didn’t understand what God was doing or why He was calling me to something so different from what i wanted. but, i trusted that it would be worth it in the end if i just trusted His plan for my life. over the past three years, this song has come to me every once in awhile, always taking me back to those early days of wondering and waiting.

just recently, it has come back again as i face a whole new journey of wondering and waiting. parenting my children who experienced abuse and neglect early in life is a challenge to say the least. and recently that challenge has been quite difficult. i find myself again telling the Lord that i don’t understand His ways. i don’t understand why He’d allow my children to go through such pain. i don’t understand why He’d choose me to parent them. i don’t understand any of it.

somehow, through my pain, i am getting closer to Him. i do believe that all of this is going to be worth it. but i don’t think i will understand until i do see Him face to face. face to face with my Maker, my Master, the Lover of my soul. the Maker and the Master of my children, the Lover of their souls. the One who will somehow take all of this pain and all of this mess and turn it into something beautiful. something beautiful that will bring Him glory.

“i don’t understand Your ways
oh but i will give You my song
give You all of my praise”

i had season tickets, along with a group of girlfriends, to a broadway series of shows in a local theatre district.  we would meet, carpool to dinner, walk to the show, and have a great time.  one night i had to work a little later so i drove to the restaurant alone.  during dinner the conversation turned to motherhood.  “be strong,” i thought.  “it’s okay.  your heart can do this.  be the big girl.  smile.  giggle.  hide your tears.  hide your sadness.  besides, you’re the only one here without children.  you can’t expect them to not talk about their children.”  so i played along, like i was okay.  and they complained.

they complained about being pregnant.

they complained about giving birth.

they complained about late night feedings.

they complained about their children being sick.  disrespectful.  whiney.  needy.  clingy.  messy.  busy.  etc, etc, etc.

they complained about being mothers.

right in front of…….my face.

we went on to see the show.  you know, to this day, i don’t remember what it was.  because, although it was enjoyable, i was consumed with sadness.  i was surrounded by people who had what i wanted.  and they didn’t know i wanted it.  and they didn’t care that they had it.  and it nearly broke me into pieces.  i couldn’t wait for the show to end.  for us to walk to our cars.  and for me to be alone.  i needed to be alone.  i needed the Lord to speak to my heart.

my solitude finally came.  after a few minutes of being quiet and getting through the downtown area onto the highway, i turned on some music.  sara groves, the one thing i know.

“and the clouds just parted on a corner of my life
and i can see for miles
and the things i was stuck on
things i thought would never change
they just broke open wide

this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free

and the veil just lifted
i can finally understand
the way You work in me
but even if  didn’t
You are still a sovereign God
Who has a plan for me

this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free

it’s good to know You work with hurt and broken souls
that you’ll take a soul like mine
in all the world nothing’s taken hold of me like Christ

this is the one thing
this is the only thing
You are the one thing
You are the only thing

this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free”

the Lord was speaking to my heart.  piercing it actually, with His truth and His love for me.  “this is the ONE thing i know, YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.”

over and over again i said it.  through tears.  sometimes barely audible.  sometimes almost screaming.  i kept saying it.  and saying it.  and saying it.  “YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.”  and He wasn’t.  and i could feel Him.  and that was such an important time in my journey.

this morning i had “Muffins for Mom”  at amelia’s school.  “Muffins for Mom”, and that mom is me.  and it’s hard. and i complain.  yes, i complain.  i have been given a huge gift and i do the very thing that broke my heart years ago.  the only difference is, i think  i am more aware of who i am complaining around.  though that doesn’t make it any better.

i am having  a hard time right now.  a really hard time.  i am searching through myself, trying to understand some things i have been thinking and feeling related to my infertility and adoption of my children.  it’s rough stuff.  feelings i am ashamed to be feeling.  things i am ashamed to be thinking.  but, i know it’s part of my journey and something i need to work through.

the boys and i had lunch with a good friend at chick-fil-a.  we had a great time.  all went well.  i dropped the boys off at school and turned on the faithful iPod.  i chose to listen to some sara groves, of course.  “the one thing i know.  what the heck, haven’t heard it in a while.”

tears.

one hand lifted in praise.  the other wanted to go up too, but one of them had to hold the steering wheel.

tears.

tears.

“really Lord.  wow.  and the veil just lifted.  i can finally understand the way You work in me.  but even if  didn’t, You are still a sovereign God Who has a plan for me.  this is the one thing i know, You said You won’t let me go.  You said You won’t let me go.
You’ve done a good work in me and You won’t quit ’til i’m free”

He took me back to that time years ago.  He showed me that even though it’s a different time now and i am in a totally different place, He’s still doing the same thing.  He’s holding me.  and He won’t let me go.

He won’t let me go.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

there were shadows on the tomb there in the garden
and the mist was rising slowly through the trees
and when mary saw the Silhouette on early Easter morning
i remember how He smiled at her and said

He said, ‘Rise, rise and shine
the sun is coming in
and the morning light is shining in your eyes,                                                                                                                                                        rise and shine
the day is coming on
and you know the night is gone so rise’

rise and shine, andrew peterson

it was around 10:45pm.  josh and i were sitting in the living room talking about his job and various issues there.  we heard orville call out, “something is wrong with my tummy.”  josh went flying up the stairs to get him.  well, he didn’t actually fly, but he did run very, very fast.  he grabbed orville out of bed and took him into the bathroom.  his shirt was covered with the stuff.  the throw up that is.

i went in to check his bed.  it was everywhere.  josh cleaned up orville and put him in clean jammies.  i stripped the bed and got everything rinsed out and into the washing machine.  josh held orville on the couch for awhile.  it reminded us of when the kids first came home and orville had a hard time sleeping.  josh would take him to the couch and rest with him for awhile and then put him back in his bed.  josh tried to talk to orville about it, but orville didn’t understand.  josh said, “when you first came home, you were a little guy.  well, not really little.  you were like a big baby.  and daddy would hold you when you couldn’t sleep.”  orville said, “no, i not a big baby.”

after josh held him awhile last night, orville wanted to come to me.  while i held him, i sang.  before i became a mom, that was always one of my dreams, to sing to my baby.  orville sang with me here and there, to twinkle twinkle little star, my God is so big,  Jesus loves me, go tell it on the mountain, you are my sunshine.  josh put clean bedding on orville’s bed, i put him back in it.

josh and i settled into the same places we were before orville called out to us.  i was so happy we were here to help him.  but i was also sad that when amelia was orville’s age, we didn’t get to help her.  and then i started to question if we have handled her the right way when she’s been sick.  when she was sick the first time, she was crying loudly and we kept having to tell her to quiet down so she wouldn’t wake her brothers.  she had a hard time following instructions as we’d try to change her into clean clothes, clean up her bed, clean up her floor, etc.  she seemed to always end up in the spot we were trying to clean.  i would get mad, easily, and feel so guilty.

josh reminded me that we can’t change any of that.  we did the best we could.  we are doing the best we can.  because we missed out on amelia’s early years, we can do better now.  he told me he makes it a point every night when he tucks her in to tell her how much he loves her, how special she is, and how proud he is of her.

and i struggle, almost daily, wondering if we are doing things right.  do i hug them enough?  do i kiss them enough? do i smile at them enough?  do i talk to them enough?  do i engage them enough?  am i teaching them the right things?  do i point them to God enough?  do i let them watch too much TV?  do i read to them enough?  the list can, and sometimes does, go on and on.

here is the word the Lord sent me this morning in my devotional:

“for I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  jeremiah 29:11

“do you ever feel like you’re not doing enough for your children?  the recording in your head begins playing, “you’re a bad mother.”  i hear that same recording.  sometimes it plays nonstop.  i worry that i am not providing my children with the opportunities that will bring success.  what if they don’t make the middle school soccer team because i didn’t sign them up for summer soccer camp?  what if they miss out on academic scholarships because i didn’t spend enough time reading with them when they were little?  what if?  what if?  what if?  you know, God doesn’t want us dwelling in the land of “what if?”.  He wants us to trust Him with our children.  He wants us to quit “what-if-ing!”  God has a plan for their lives-better than you could ever imagine.  so, relax. you’re not a bad mother because you missed soccer camp sign-ups.  if you’ve given your children to God, you’ve given them the best chance to succeed that you could ever give them!”

“Lord, i give my children to You.  thank You, God, for Your plans.  Amen.”

wilbur showed us that his priorities are out of whack.

we did a much needed run to sam’s club.  can you ever really go there enough?  we had outback takeout for dinner.  can you ever really do that enough?  and now, i am folding laundry.

listening to sara groves via the apple tv.  i don’t think i can explain how awesome my husband is for putting all of her music on there.

my husband is patching the wall in the bathroom where he and my father-in-law added an extra switch for our newly installed exhaust fan.

and the kids are playing food and dogs in their rooms.

it’s almost snack time.  then bed time.  then free time for me!

when i was sick, my wonderful MIL brought over some soup and apple crisp to help me feel better.  and to help my family eat since i couldn’t cook.  wilbur doesn’t like “mushy apples”.  this means he won’t eat homemade applesauce, apple pie, apple crisp, baked apples, etc.  sometimes we make him try some.  you never know.  maybe sometime he’ll start to like “mushy apples”.  here’s his serving.

here’s him crying about his serving.

here he is taking a bite of his serving.  oh, so painful.  give me a break!

here’s amelia during the same meal.

and orville.

here’s amelia and orville playing Wii while wilbur finishes his “mushy apples”.

wilbur after the “mushy apples” are all in his tummy.  he’s just fine.

snack for that night. lemonade licorice, pieces of a kit kat.  prepared by josh.

the boys like to play in amelia’s room.  the play kitchen is in there.  and all the play food.  i don’t usually allow them in there unless she’s home.  and they ask her.  and she gives them permission.  this day, i let them.  while she was at school. they practiced being dads.  too cute.  

we had a wonderful thanksgiving.  hope you did too.

here’s gramps basting the turkey.

the bird in all its glory.

wilbur at his seat, waiting for the meal to begin.  and, eyeing his candy choo choo train that grammy placed at his seat for him.

we took some family pictures.  this is our “sad face” shot.

orville is working on some bigger kid things. like putting his coat on by himself.  he’s not quite there yet.

the boys and i went bowling.  santa was there.  we didn’t get many shots with him.  orville was terrified. the bowling was a blast though.

we had taco night.  josh couldn’t resist playing with his food.  he usually can’t.

josh and i were parent helpers at orville’s school last week.

josh helped the kids build a castle.

wilbur was taking a trip to mcdonald’s in the school’s camper.

josh coloring with some of the girls in orville’s class.

amelia had her 1st grade Christmas concert at school on wednesday.  here she is before we left.

here she is performing.  she’s third from the right, in the front row.

we found out amelia was having a hard time seeing some things at school.  ”words on the chalkboard are a little blurry,” she said.  so we took a trip to the eye doctor thursday morning.

and we got a prescription for glasses.  that night she and i took a trip to the “glasses store”.

i tried some on too.  so thankful i don’t need them!

and friday night, josh and i got to take a trip to PA for the love came down tour.  

here is the stage.

leeland-singing sound of melodies.

sara groves and half of jars of clay-singing o come let us adore Him.

leigh nash-from sixpence none the richer-and i.

sara groves and i.

jars, and the drummer from leeland, did an amazing job on little drummer boy. jars is known for that song in some circles.  they went over the top with the drumming this night.  it was amazing.  they were so into it. and you could tell they were doing it for the glory of the Lord.  and it was almost overwhelming.  the little drummer boy had nothing to offer.  no gifts for the King.  but he had his drum.  and he played it. and he played his best.  and i thought, “i have nothing to offer.  nothing worthy of my King.  i am a wife and a mother.  i need to do that my best.  for Him.”  here are the lyrics to little drummer boy.  i took out all the pa rum pum pum pums.  

come they told me
a new born King to see
our finest gifts we bring
to lay before the King

so to honor Him
when we come

Little Baby
i am a poor boy too
i have no gift to bring
that’s fit to give the King

shall i play for You
on my drum? 

mary nodded
the ox and lamb kept time 
i played my drum for Him
i played my best for Him

then He smiled at me 
me and my drum

we are busy getting ready for Christmas.  we keep having conversations with the kids about what Christmas is really all about.  and i keep reminding myself.  sara groves new Christmas CD has been very helpful with this.  

it came upon a midnight clear

it came upon the midnight clear,
that glorious song of old,

from angels bending near the earth,

to touch their harps of gold:

“peace on the earth, goodwill to men

from heavens all gracious King!”

the world in solemn stillness lay

to hear the angels, to hear them sing

o ye beneath life’s crushing load,

whose forms are bending low,

who toil along the climbing way

with painful steps so slow;

look now, for glad and golden hours

come swiftly on the wing;

oh rest beside the weary road

and hear the angels, and hear them sing

still through broken skies they come,

with peaceful wings unfurled;

and still their heavenly music floats

o’er all the weary world:

above its sad and lowly plains

they bend on hovering wing,

and ever o’er Babel sounds

the blessed angels, the blessed angels sing

peace, peace

and in your dark street shines 
an Everlasting Light
and all your hopes and fears
are met in Him tonight

i hope your heart is preparing for His arrival too.

hopefully none of us get sick so i can keep up with the blogging.  

we always go at night.  haven’t been in the morning in a long time.  felt strange.  but oh, the message was so good.  we studied 1 corinthians 6:12-20.  these verses stood out to me the most, 19+20, “do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? you are not your own; you were bought at a price. therefore honor God with your body.”

our pastor said this, “we belong to God, our Lord, by creation and by salvation.  we need to keep our bodies healthy so we can honor him mentally, physcially, sexually, spiritually.  nothing about us is an accident, we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  psalm 139:13-16 says, “for You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  i praise You because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, i know that full well.  my frame was not hidden from You when i was made in the secret place when i was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.  all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.”

oh, how amazing.  God knew, as He was forming me, that my body would be infertile.  and yet my body is still a wonderful creation.  and God knew, as He was forming amelia, that her body would develop epilepsy.  and yet, her body is still a wonderful creation.  Lord, i praise You because i am fearfully and wonderfully made.  and i praise You because my amelia is fearfully and wonderfully made.

after church, i headed to our local Christian bookstore.  had a coupon and wanted to get some things for the kids for Christmas.  this was at 10:30am.  found out they don’t open till 1pm.

got home a little before noon.  kids still in jammies.  amelia coloring at the dining room table.  wilbur resting on the couch.  orville building legos.  josh working on tonight’s lesson for our Sunday school class. he had already done most of it during the week, but his computer had some issues and he lost it.  at least for the time being.  so, he had to start over.  the kids slowly got dressed, one by one.  then the wild came on disney channel.  instead of starting lunch, we had popcorn.  oh, Sunday afternoons.

at 1, i headed back to the store.  on the way, i heard a message by crawford loritts.  he was talking about what Jesus says about storms.

mark 4:35-41 “that day when evening came, He said to His disciples, “let us go over to the other side.” leaving the crowd behind, they took Him along, just as He was, in the boat. there were also other boats with Him. a furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. the disciples woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, don’t You care if we drown?”  He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “quiet! be still!” then the wind died down and it was completely calm.  He said to His disciples, “why are you so afraid? do you still have no faith?”  they were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? even the wind and the waves obey Him!”

here’s what i jotted down in the car, some of what dr. loritts had to say.  why are you afraid? why do you want to run?  don’t hide from the storm.  LOOK AT IT!  God allows the storms.  they are often the things we fear most.  He allows them so when they are over, we look at Him with awe and wonder.  even the disciples did.  “Who is this? even the wind and the waves obey Him!”  it’s not the storm that is the problem, it’s the unbelief in our hearts.  He controls the storms.  He controls everything we fear.

i thought of amelia’s epilepsy.  the fear that if it comes back, we’ll have to go through the seizures all over again.  the fear that if it comes back and we can’t control it, we could lose her.  i thought of my dear friend who is going through a hard time in her family.  oh, she is being so tested.  but, beyond the test, you can see God refining her, making her more like Himself.  and it is beautiful.

while sending this friend an email tonight, i said the following…“strange night and day ahead of me.  so comforting to know God already had this planned and He’s gone ahead before me.  wow!  that just gave me chills.  i pictured Jesus walking through the halls of the hospital and opening the doors that we’ll be walking through tomorrow.  it’s like He’s saying, “I am here.  just take the next step.  keep going. I’ve already cleared the way.”

“tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
and to take Him at His Word;
just to rest upon His promise,
and to know, “thus saith the Lord.”

Jesus, Jesus, how i trust Him!
how i’ve proved Him o’er and o’er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
o for grace to trust Him more!

i’m so glad i learned to trust Him,
precious Jesus, Savior, friend;
and i know that Thou art with me,
wilt be with me to the end.

Jesus, Jesus, how i trust Him!
how i’ve proved Him o’er and o’er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
o for grace to trust Him more!”
Louisa M. R. Stead, c. 1850-1917

-amelia accepted Jesus as her personal Savior today. we’ve talked about this quite a few times and she’s always said she did while she lived in her foster home. but today when we talked about it she said she wasn’t sure. i asked her if she’d like to pray about it. she asked if we could at night. i told her we didn’t have to wait. so we didn’t. my heart is overflowing as i think about it. and i can’t help but think, if she would have stayed in her birth home, that she may have never had the opportunity.

-while amelia was doing some ‘homework’ from her church binder, wilbur expressed that he’d also like to have a binder when he’s in the program his sister is in. i explained that he couldn’t because the program is just for girls and he’s, well, a boy. then i explained a little about the boys program, which he’ll enter in 1st grade. i told him they do cool things like, go camping and hiking, and build wooden cars. orville chimed in and said, i want to go camping too so i can find snakes and butterflies.

-orville has been saying all kinds of cute things lately. like, wait a second guys. or i can’t see the driveway from my window because the roof is blocking it. or amelia’s stuffed dog can’t wear a collar because our dog shelby doesn’t have one.

-amelia is learning about odd and even numbers in school now. she just can’t seem to get even right. she keeps calling them ‘evening’ numbers. and, she got frustrated with me tonight because i was teaching her the right way to say pumpkin. it’s pumpkin, not punkin.

-josh made the dad from amelia’s dollhouse go to the bathroom on the roof. amelia was just beside herself laughing.

-orville, at bedtime prayers, thanked Jesus for our ice cream with prinkles(sprinkles). amelia thought he said ice cream with pickles.

-i was able to share a very deep and personal thing with a friend today. i asked her to take it to the Lord in prayer. i know she will. and i know she’ll take it very seriously.

-the Lord is once again using sara groves to speak to my heart.

“hello Lord, it’s me Your child–i have a few things on my mind–right now i’m faced with big decisions, and i’m wondering if You have a minute–right now i don’t hear so well and i was wondering if You could speak up–i know that You tore the veil so i could sit with You in person and hear what You’re saying–but right now, i just can’t hear You–i don’t doubt Your sovereignty–i doubt my own ability–to hear what You’re saying and to do the right thing–and i desperately want to do the right thing–right now i don’t hear so well and i was wondering if You could speak up–i know that You tore the veil so i could sit with You in person and hear what You’re saying–but right now, i just can’t hear You–somewhere in the back of my mind i think You are telling me to wait–and though patience has never been mine–Lord I will wait to hear from You–right now i don’t hear so well and i was wondering if You could speak up–i know that You tore the veil so i could sit with You in person and hear what You’re saying–but right now, i just can’t hear You”

-amelia, when starting to pray earlier, said we should thank God for Jesus, mary, moses and their horse. i asked her if she meant Jesus, joseph, mary and their donkey.

-saturday we went to a local farm for a fall festival with some friends from church. we had a good night together as a family and got some great pictures. i love great pictures!

-amelia turned 7 on Friday. can’t believe i have a 7 year old! she used great manners at her party, said thank you to everyone without being reminded, and seemed genuinely grateful.

-i slept really well last night.

-when questioning the Lord on certain things, He reminds me He’s given me some answers already. He reminded me today that He is the best father. He allows me what i need, what He needs me to have.

-it’s alyssa and scott’s 1 year anniversary today. i love being friends with you guys!

-i get to go on a field trip with my boys tomorrow.

-part of amelia’s church homework included her explaining “why and i here?” to me. her immediate answer was, because you adopted us, because you wanted me. the question was getting at something more profound than what 7 year old can answer, but i think her take on it was extremely profound. her being adopted is a good thing in her eyes.

-my mother-in-law is amazing. not many people can say that. but i can. and i say it often. we got to spend some time together, just us, on Sunday. and it was fun.

-i get to go to bed now. in my big, cozy bed. and i love it.

-i, Lord willing, will get to have another day tomorrow. and if He grants it, He’ll walk through it with me.