maybe this is how it’s supposed to be
we just finished dinner. josh is at soccer. the boys are playing memory in the living room. amelia is doing her homework at the dining room table. i am sitting with her, helping her when needed.
i don’t feel like a mom. at least not the way i thought i would feel when i used to think about being a mom. i feel somewhat disconnected, like this is someone else’s life. and then i thought, “maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.”
maybe every mom feels this way. maybe they don’t. in some ways it’s like how i feel about being an adult. every time i drop my second grader off at school i think, “how is it possible for this 17 year old kid to be trapped in the body of an almost 34 year old? and i am dropping an 8 year old off at school? i am not old enough, mature enough, responsible enough to be doing this. this is crazy!”
i often wonder if my disconnected feeling is due to me being an adoptive mother. i often wonder if i’d feel more connected had i birthed my children. and then i think, “maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.” and then i remind myself that it is supposed to be this way. that God ordained for it to be this way. that He made me, made my children, and then in His sovereignty, formed us into a family.
so i sit here at the dining room table, blogging and helping my second grader with her math homework. and while i don’t know how i should feel, i do know this: i wouldn’t want anyone else helping her(except maybe josh if he was home) and i am helping her because God made me her mother and i love her.
Filed under adoption, children, family, Jesus, my heart, parenting | Comments (2)january 2010
my last post was kind of heavy. a lot of people in my life have been dealing with very heavy things lately. infant death, a father on the verge of death, a grandmother in the hospital after an accidental fall, a mother who has been suffering from the effects of a stroke almost three years ago, job loss-the list could go on and on. a lot of my thoughts are pretty heavy. although, they are also very hopeful. hmmm.
so, to avoid more heaviness, i thought i’d sort of do a month in review via pictures. just random ‘life with our family’ stuff. i’ve been having big thoughts, big awakenings. posts for another day i guess.
so, here we are from january. the kids watching a tow truck pull the neighbor’s car out of the snow, playing with amelia’s microphone(notice her adjusting it for wilbur as if he couldn’t figure it out on his own), the gingerbread house the kids made with grammy and gramps(orville did not want to be in the picture), the gingerbread house after our dog got to it, me (with a bottle of coke!!!) at fondue night, finally remembering to get a Christmas tree bag(after forgetting for the past three years) and joking it was for the kids(which they thought was hilarious!), legos, legos everywhere!, having mother/daughter night & breakfast with amelia, playing with fruit by the foot at grammy’s, josh rummaging through the island drawer at grammy’s(something he’s known to do at least once a year), our trip(eating subway for lunch)to a somewhat local mall so i could go to a bareescentuals boutique, josh and the boys pretending to fall asleep while amelia and i were in the bathroom(men!).
i’ve been closely following my friend kate’s adoption journey. she shares an amazing story. she is a very gifted writer. she just adopted an adorable little boy. you should take a look. her heart is beautiful.
Filed under adoption, children, family, for fun, Jesus, my heart, parenting | Comment (0)my baby is 5
i have been looking to write since my last post in october. posts have been thought of, never started. posts have been started, never completed. my little boy turns 5 tomorrow and it hurts.
my little boy who was 15 months old when he came home.
my little boy who slept in a crib, wore diapers, used a pacifier, ate with his hands, sat in a highchair, wore a bib.
my little boy who started walking the day before he came home.
my little boy who needed me to help him walk because he was really, really wobbly.
my little boy who learned how to talk, use silverware, use the toilet, go up and down the stairs-all with me.
my little boy who started school, learned to ride a bike, slide down a slide, swing-all with me.
my little boy who loved to have me sing the ‘sleepy baby’ song, one i made up just for him.
my little boy-the closest i’ve been and will likely ever be to having a baby.
my little boy, my little baby, turns 5.
i can’t believe it.
you always hear about how fast kids grow up. and it’s true. it’s a little hard for me to comprehend that our other two children are 8 and 6 1/2 already. but it’s really hard for me to comprehend that our youngest is going to be 5.
my heart hurts for all the time that has passed. my heart hurts because he’ll never be that little, little boy again. and at the same time, my heart rejoices for all that he has become, for the second chance at life that he has received. my heart overflows with love for the sweet boy he is and for the sweet and kind man i pray he will become.
happy 5th birthday little one.
Filed under children, family, parenting | Comments (3)advice?
a sweet friend, who is also walking the painful road of infertility and heading toward adoption, recently shared some of why and how her heart is breaking at this time. how do we handle the time we missed in the lives of our children before they came to us? she wondered if i had any advice for her. i am sharing my response on here because i think it’s important for those of us on this journey to know that there are others of us who do understand. each of us has our own unique journey to take, but we do share some similar experiences and heartache.
“advice? oh, i wish i could just take this away from you because i know how painful it can be. it has been all encompassing for me. i feel a loss for the child i never had and i feel a loss for what i missed out on with the children that i do have.
i, just about an hour ago was sharing with a dear friend that i have spent time over the past 6 years grieving a baby that will never be. it seems so absurd in some ways, to say goodbye to something i never had.
and, there are many days, and sometimes multiple times a day, that my heart breaks for what i missed with my kids. sometimes i look at their sweet faces and get so sad because i didn’t know them as babies. in a lot of ways i can’t even imagine amelia and wilbur as babies because there are no pictures of them before amelia was 3 1/2 and wilbur was 1 1/2. with orville we have pictures from when he was 2 months so i know what he looked like, but i never held him or bathed him or smelled him.
i know that while i missed so much, i get to be a part of more than anyone else. who my children become will be because of how josh and i work with the Lord to raise them. and from the moment they came home, until the moment they return to the Lord(or the moment i do)i am the one they will call mom, the one they’ll cling to when they need something, the one they’ll rejoice with when something wonderful happens, etc. sometimes thinking about all of this helps me, and sometimes it doesn’t. but, for all i did miss, there is so much i get to see.
this adoption/infertility thing really is crazy. it is. it just flat out is. there are moments it makes total sense and then there are moments where i can’t figure out anything at all. and somehow, in the midst of all of the craziness, is our God. the God of the universe. the God who made me, made josh, made amelia, made wilbur, made orville, made you, made your husband, made your little one. He is there. and He knows exactly what He’s doing.
and while most of me gets that, there’s a big part of me that doesn’t. and then i remind myself that it really has nothing to do with me. it’s all about Him. and in His infinite wisdom, He has a plan that is good for me and josh and amelia and wilbur and orville and you and your husband and your little one.
and most importantly, i know He loves me and i know He loves YOU. and i know when my heart is breaking and when your heart is breaking, His breaks too. and He watches us and listens to us and sends people to hold us because that’s what He’d want to do.
if He were physically here i have no doubt that He’d scoop you up into His arms and say, “child, I love you. I am so sorry this is so hard for you. I know your heart is breaking. I know sometimes you struggle to take one more step. but, trust Me. lean on Me. I have a plan for you. I know it doesn’t all make sense now, but someday it will. I promise.” and He’d wipe away your tears.
remember when you shared these jeremy camp lyrics with me? “there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears. there will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face.”
what a journey!
Filed under adoption, children, family, infertility, Jesus, music, parenting | Comments (3)there’s an 8 year old in my house
amelia turned 8 on the 10th. i can’t believe she’s 8 years old. people always say kids grow up so fast and i am starting to understand that. it’s a very happy/sad kind of thing.
we had a nice day as a family and we had a wonderful evening celebrating with our extended family.
she started the day coloring and even made herself a birthday card.
this little munchkin was just relaxing on the couch when i looked up and realized he won’t always fit on the couch. my heart was sad for a few seconds. i will miss the little him when he’s that big!
i hope he doesn’t outgrow his smile! oh, those cheeks!
josh was outside cleaning the outside of the dinig room window. shelby couldn’t resist saying hello and getting her head rubbed.
the first card of the day came all the way from columbus. thank you feathers family!
next amelia opened a scrapbook from josh and i. she made some pages over the summer and they need a home. her next project will be making some pages about her 8th birthday with the new stickers that were hiding inside her scrapbook.
next, a new baby doll! since this child came home, this is one thing she has consistently asked for. she brought a baby doll to our house with her, but she has always wanted another one. we were at sam’s club a few weeks ago when she spotted this one. she was so drawn to it so we decided it was time. she was so excited to open it. then she had a mini-photoshoot with it.
someday, Lord willing, she will be such a good mommy. especially if she learns from my mistakes. oh how i pray she does!
while waiting for everyone to arrive, our little guy couldn’t figure out how to do something on the leapster. instead of asking for help, he burst into tears. big sis was by his side in seconds to help. she was so gentle and sweet. guess she’s learning already!
birthday dinner with cousin will.
princess figurines from uncle nate. so fun!
wilbur running to grab a present for amelia. he was a bit over excited while everyone was over so josh put him to work being the “birthday santa”.
a new Christmas dress from grammy. oh, she looks so beautiful in it!
just cute!
i kept noticing orville picking up the wrapping paper and tissue paper off of the floor, but i didn’t think about what he was doing with it. when i went into the kitchen to get the birthday cake ready, i found this. he was throwing it all away. so precious! he said, “the bag kept falling over and i had to keep standing it up. it’s really full!”
a princess cake for the princess.
a princess pose for the camera.
5th birthday~2006
6th birthday~2007
7th birthday~2008
we’re even. she had 4 birthdays without us, now she’s had 4 birthdays with us. we’re praying she celebrates at least 90 more!
Filed under children, family, parenting | Comment (1)orville’s first day of school and my first parent helper day
orville started his last year of preschool a couple of weeks ago. i can’t believe he’ll be in kindergarten next year! as you can see from the following pictures, he wasn’t really wanting to get his picture taken.
once we arrived at school, he was much happier. here he is leading the way.
in his new classroom, he really didn’t want me to take any pictures. i think he was slightly annoyed that i was even there and hanging around for a few minutes.
after school i wanted him to pose for a picture with his clifford scholastic news. he did not want to. in the midst of our little argument(me begging for him to let me take his picture because it was his first day of his last year of preschool) the scholastic news got ripped. and he was pretty upset.
then, he passed out. i couldn’t believe it. the kids were playing and being pretty loud too. then all of a sudden, this little guy was in a deep sleep. so sweet.
last week i had my first parent helper day of the year. orville was so excited for us to bring brownies and applejuice. quite the combo, i know, but for some reason, it’s a favorite amongst our three little ones.
1 parent helper day down, 5 more to go!
Filed under children, parenting | Comment (0)interpretations
i am in a new Bible study this fall. we started up two weeks ago. as sort of an icebreaker, we read a short article and discussed it. i had little to say, mostly because i was in awe of the different interpretations of the content of the article. some people took it one way, some took it another way. some people read into things, others took it literally. some people’s thoughts matched mine, others varied a great deal.
as we studied the Word last thursday night, i was again noticing all of the interpretations. for some of the questions, i had no answers. for some of the questions, i changed my answers as i listened to others explain their answers. for some questions, i totally disagreed with the answers of others.
on my way home from my study, i was thanking the Lord for the opportunity to be a part of a group where different interpretations can be shared and learning and growing can take place. and then it struck me that what He has done in my life is so clear that there is no room for interpretation. at least not in my eyes. and i was overwhelmed with gratitude. and i thanked Him for making His course for my life so obvious. i thanked Him for doing something so obvious in my life. i really can’t blindly pass by unexplained infertility, the calling to adopt, or the three little ones who live in my home. i know He can do subtle things to get our attention, to direct us. i thanked Him for doing something clear for me.
i don’t understand. why infertility? why abuse? why neglect? why a broken home? why a broken family? why? oh, why?
i don’t need to understand.
“for My thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways My ways,”
declares the Lord.
“as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
isaiah 55:8~9
if you trace any part of this story, it all points to Him. if you take it back to the beginning, it begins with Him. if you look at the big picture, you see Him.
during my conversation with Him, this song came to mind.
“oh the Glory of it all is
He came here
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
oh the Glory of it all is
He is here
for redemption from the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all”
glory of it all ~ dcb
He came here. He rescued us. He provided redemption from the fall. ALL so that WE MAY LIVE FOR THE GLORY OF IT ALL.
this story. my story. His story in me is all for His glory.
this seems to be a major theme in my life lately, realizing and understanding it’s not about me at all, but that it’s all for His glory. though i have known this for a long time, it’s an entirely different thing to attempt to grasp it. i pray i am somehow able to do that. that i am somehow able to take myself out of the equation. i pray that when people see our family, they see Him. i pray that as our children grow and learn, they see Him too.
Filed under adoption, children, family, Jesus, music, parenting | Comment (1)