i surrender all
i am so behind on this thing. i could blog multiple times a day. i learn so much from my Lord, my husband, my children, my friends, my church. i am beyond blessed. if only there was more time.
i feel like i am in a new season of life. i have been so down for so long, but as the Lord continues to lift me up and continues to bring people into my life who are Christ centered and wisdom filled, i see a great deal of change taking place inside my heart and my mind. “from the inside out, Lord my soul cries out.”
in the midst of all of the internal changes, the Lord has given me another opportunity to serve Him. years ago i let Him know that i had a desire to have a ministry. i didn’t know what that looked like. where would it be? to whom would i minister? after all, what did i have to offer? what could i share? my life had been fairly easy, then turned suddenly difficult, and though i was undoubtedly in the center of His will for my life, it was a very hard place to be. but He called me to a place where He saw a need for someone like me.
He called me to lead our church’s ministry to mother’s of infants and young children. yep, you read that right, mother’s of infants and young children. He…called…me. not the mom who had the baby two years after she got married and then had another one two years after that. He…called…me. ME. the infertile one. the barren womb one. the mother of three adopted bi-racial(i know you know color has nothing to do with it and trust that you get what i am saying) children.
HE…CALLED…ME.
and when He called me, He called me loud and clear. He called me out of our church’s adoption and foster care ministry. He called me out of a leadership role in our Sunday school class. He called me to lead a group of women who get pregnant and give birth to babies. is He crazy?
for years He knew the secret longing in my heart to be a part of this elite group of women. for years He knew i so longed to simply walk in the room where the elite group meets. for years He knew there was nothing i wanted more than to be a mom.
when our kids came home, i earned the right to join the group. i remember clearly when i first walked through their meeting room doors. it was hard for me to contain my emotions when i filled out my registration card, from barren womb to mom of three. it was overwhelming to know i got to be there.
sure, it was hard to sit around a table full of women complaining about breastfeeding, being up in the middle of the night, pain during labor and delivery, etc, etc, etc. but i was so excited to be there that i was able to block out the complaining. and at the end of the first year of my attending the group, i volunteered to be a part of the groups committee.
i was assigned the job of “craft helper”. i would assist the craft person on craft days, showing people how to do the craft, answer questions, etc. and maybe sometimes she’d need me to run to the store to get extra supplies. i basically ended up doing nothing most of the year.
towards the end of the year, a new leader was planning her committee and i told i wanted to stay on board. i requested that i have at least a little more responsibility. a few weeks later she called and told me that after much prayer and seeking, she would like for me to be her co-leader. i told her i’d need some time to pray about it and discuss it with josh.
i was honored. first, this leader is someone that i had admired for years. i met her in the college ministry at our church and just always thought she was neat. i would see her and think, “i bet she’d be great to be friends with.” now she has presented me the opportunity to work by her side for a whole year!
second, i was being asked to help lead the ministry to young moms. that meant that in a year, i’d be the one leading. ME. the infertile one. the barren womb one. the mother of three adopted bi-racial children.
i said yes. i agreed to be the co-leader for one year, and then the leader for the following year. now, we are in that year. i am now leading our church’s ministry to mother’s of infants and young children. ME.
the week before our ministry year started, our women’s ministry director held a communion and commissioning service for us. we sang some songs together, one being i surrender all.
“all to Jesus i surrender
all to Him i freely give;
i will ever love and trust Him,
in His presence daily live.
i surrender all,
i surrender all;
all to Thee, my blessed Savior,
i surrender all.”
as i sang these words, i was thinking, “what does this look like in my life? how does this relate to this ministry i am leading?” with my eyes closed, and my head bowed, i thought, “wow. i really did have to surrender a lot to get to this point. my dreams. my desires. my fertility. my womb. my plans. my will. i really did have to surrender all.” i was again overcome with emotion.
our meetings started two weeks ago. things have been going really well. our numbers are up from years past and it seems like people are pretty excited about what is planned for the year. i love this! but mostly i love watching the Lord’s plan for my life unfold. He has done things with me i could have never imagined. He’s taken me places i would have never been. He’s opened doors that may have always been closed.
surrender seems like the hardest thing to do. we want what we want, when we want it, how we want it, etc. He has things He wants for us too. He knows when He wants us to have them and how He wants us to have them. for our good, for His glory. knowing this has made it easier for me to surrender. and watching His will for me unfold has made me so glad i let go.
but, i was still struggling with why He’d choose me for this ministry. enter a Christ centered, wisdom filled lady. i spend some time sharing my struggle with her, trying to make sense of all that has happened in the past few years and how it relates to my role in ministry. she shares this with me:
“we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that
suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character;
and character, hope.”
romans 5:3~4
some of these young women may need to see what it looks like to suffer and persevere, and build character, and gain hope. maybe i can show them.
Filed under adoption, children, family, Jesus, parenting | Comment (1)
worth it all?
“i don’t understand Your ways
oh but i will give You my song
give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
with it You are pulling me closer
and pulling me into Your ways
now around every corner
and up every mountain
i’m not looking for crowns
or the water from fountains
i’m desperate in seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face
is all that i need
i will say to You
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this
i don’t understand Your ways
oh but i will give You my song
give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
with it You are pulling me closer
and pulling me into Your ways
now around every corner
and up every mountain
i’m not looking for crowns
or the water from fountains
i’m desperate in seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face
is all that i need
i will say to You
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it all
i believe this
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it all
i believe this”
~ rita springer
this song was pretty much a daily part of the beginning of my infertility journey. i didn’t understand what God was doing or why He was calling me to something so different from what i wanted. but, i trusted that it would be worth it in the end if i just trusted His plan for my life. over the past three years, this song has come to me every once in awhile, always taking me back to those early days of wondering and waiting.
just recently, it has come back again as i face a whole new journey of wondering and waiting. parenting my children who experienced abuse and neglect early in life is a challenge to say the least. and recently that challenge has been quite difficult. i find myself again telling the Lord that i don’t understand His ways. i don’t understand why He’d allow my children to go through such pain. i don’t understand why He’d choose me to parent them. i don’t understand any of it.
somehow, through my pain, i am getting closer to Him. i do believe that all of this is going to be worth it. but i don’t think i will understand until i do see Him face to face. face to face with my Maker, my Master, the Lover of my soul. the Maker and the Master of my children, the Lover of their souls. the One who will somehow take all of this pain and all of this mess and turn it into something beautiful. something beautiful that will bring Him glory.
“i don’t understand Your ways
oh but i will give You my song
give You all of my praise”
this journey is my own
when i stand before the Lord,
i’ll be standing alone
this journey is my own
still i want man’s advice,
and i need man’s approval,
but this journey is my own
why would i want to live for man
and pay the highest price?
what would it mean to gain the world,
only to lose my life?
so much of what i do
is to make a good impression
this journey is my own
so much of what i say
is to make myself look better
this journey is my own
why would i want to live for man
and pay the highest price?
what would it mean to gain the world,
only to lose my life?
i have never felt relief
like i feel it right now
this journey is my own
’cause trying to please the world
it was breaking me down
it was breaking me down
now i live and i breathe
for an audience of One
now i live and i breathe
for an audience of One
now i live and i breathe
for an audience of One
’cause i know
this journey is my own
why would i want to live for man
and pay the highest price?
what would it mean to gain the world,
only to lose my life?
you can live for someone else
and it will only bring you pain
i can’t even judge myself
only the Lord can say, “well done.”
~sara groves
parenting is never easy. well, i should say i am guessing it’s never easy, because i really only have my experience to speak from. i have struggled with parenting since the day my kids came home. i have spent a majority of the past three years questioning every decision i made, every word i spoke, every look i gave. i have spent many mornings lying in bed wondering how i’d make it through the day. what would we do all day? where would we go? should we go anywhere? should we just stay home? should i expect them to play on their own? should i always play with them and/or direct their play? is it okay for me to work on big projects around the house and expect them to leave me alone? should i allow them to pitch in? can they play in the backyard while i am in the house? do i need to be outside with them the whole time?
once i was out of bed, i found myself on the phone throughout the day seeking advice from friends and relatives. i just wanted to know if i was doing things the right way. i knew others were going through similar things and i wanted their opinions. i knew others had gone through these things before me, some many years ago, and i wanted their wisdom. then i always needed to follow that up with a call to my husband to see if he agreed with what i was doing.
i was making myself crazy. most of these people(except for my husband) didn’t agree with what i was doing and offered advice that was contrary to how i wanted to raise my children. they would say things like, “you’re too harsh! you have too many rules! i just have a different parenting style. i just don’t care about as many little things. you need to let them be kids.” recently(i don’t know why it took me so long) i had an amazing realization, “why am i seeking advice from these people? none of them have ever adopted any children, let alone an abused and neglected child. and most importantly, three of them at one time. how can any of them judge my parenting?”
the above song immediately came to mind. this journey is my own. i am the only one living in this situation day to day, moment to moment. i am the only one who can parent these kids the way they need to be parented. if that weren’t the case, God would have placed them somewhere else. somehow, in His divine, and i think kind of crazy, wisdom, He knew they needed to be here. i don’t understand it, but i have to trust it.
i have to trust that i am doing things the right way. sure, i’ll make some mistakes, everyone does. but for the amount of mistakes i make, i get just as many compliments, if not more. i can’t tell you how many times, yes i am bragging, we have received compliments when it comes to our children. we are frequently stopped at the grocery store, walmart, or target. people just want tell us how well behaved they think the kids are.
and one time the boys and i were getting the van’s tires balanced and rotated and an older man came over to us to tell me how much he admired my parenting. he said he had been watching us and he thought i was doing a great job and it showed in the boys and their good behavior. and another time i was desperately seeking new jeans and the poor boys had to endure me trying on 8 pair. when we left the fitting room we passed a lady who said, “i heard some good things in there. they are so blessed to have you as their mother.” wow. totally unsolicited compliments. and i appreciate them so much.
i wish that those moments trumped the bad moments. the moments when i feel like i am a total failure at parenting my children. the moments when i feel like they could have ended up with a better mother. the moments when i wish i could erase the last three years and start over, knowing what i know now.
but i have to remind myself(constantly) that things are how they are supposed to be. i am the mother my kids are supposed to have. i am parenting them the way i am supposed to parent them. and no matter what other people think, good or bad, this parenting journey is my own. and when i stand before the Lord, if i need to answer for my parenting, i’ll be standing alone. this journey is my own.
Filed under adoption, children, family, Jesus, parenting | Comments (4)father’s day
i’ve been absent for a long time. again, there’s plenty to write about, plenty of pictures to share. but i’ve been in kind of a dark place for the past couple of months. i seem to have a dark cloud hanging over my head. as i put it in an email to a friend, ” i feel like i am in a pit and life is just passing over me and i am missing it. things i thought would be fun, aren’t. things i thought would bring me joy, don’t.”
i think i know why i have been feeling this way. actually, i don’t think i know, i do know. and i know i need to do something about it. and i know what to do. but i keep forgetting. and then it gets dark again. but right now i am remembering. all of that to say, this heart is full of words that need to come out. and they will come. but tonight i wanted to take some time to be thankful. for this man,
who in lieu of sleeping in, got up just like any other day, to celebrate his day, with his children. and with his sleepy eyes and bedhead hair, he graced our breakfast table with his presence for some dunkin donuts, coffee, and the children’s father’s day cards.
amelia made him the biggeset card i’ve ever seen. and it was cute. and silly. and made no sense. but it was so precious, because it was from her. from her heart, for her father.
wilbur wanted nothing to do with making a card. i guess that’s a boy thing? so he picked this one.
orville didn’t want to make a card either, at least not while we were at the store and wilbur was picking out already made cards. but when we got home, he changed his tune and joined the crafting with amelia. so for daddy, he had two cards.
then we went on a hike.
we got sweaty, muddy, hot, tired. the kids loved it. and i think josh had a good time, though it was more work with three little ones than either of us would have liked.
we had a cookout at my sister’s place where we also got to visit with my dad. then we went on to church where the kids made more father’s day cards.
we are so blessed to have this man in our lives. he is committed to our marriage and to our family. he has such a strong desire to be a good father. and he is. and i am thankful.
Filed under children, family, marriage, parenting | Comment (1)i’m just…sad
i get this way sometimes. it usually happens when i am feeling overwhelmed with, well, everything. mother’s day is right around the corner. the 3rd anniversary of the day our kids came home is just around the corner. and i, am sad. sad.
sounds ridiculous. feels ridiculous. why?
i should be so happy.
i have three kids. adorable kids. amazing kids. resilent kids. but, they are also kids who really annoy me sometimes. kids who don’t listen. kids who don’t use our home the right way. kids who don’t use their toys the right way. kids who talk back. kids who don’t respond when spoken to. kids who don’t answer when asked a question. kids who talk with food in their mouths. kids who drop their food on the floor. kids who spill their drinks. kids who talk too loud. kids who talk too quiet. kids who…the list could go on and on.
and though these kids are “mine”, they also feel like complete strangers to me.
and it makes me…sad.
i didn’t make them. i don’t know them. there’s no part of me in them. they are foreigners in my home. and i am a foreigner as their mother. and yet, we are a family.
and it weighs heavily on my heart. and it weighs heavily on my shoulders. and i want to do better. and i want to be better. and sometimes i just feel like i can’t. sometimes i feel like a foreigner to myself. i am not the self i wanted to be. i am not the mother i wanted to be. i am not the mother i wanted my children to have. and i am not supposed to talk about this. because, what we have done is so wonderful. and our family is so cute. and people have no idea how hard it is to be our family.
and it makes me…sad.
Filed under adoption, children, family, parenting | Comments (7)the one thing i know
years ago, before adoption. before we met our kids. before we had heard about our kids. before we knew we were going to adopt. before i had(at that time) come to terms with my infertility. before most of this, the Lord reminded me of the only thing in my life that i know is certain.
i had season tickets, along with a group of girlfriends, to a broadway series of shows in a local theatre district. we would meet, carpool to dinner, walk to the show, and have a great time. one night i had to work a little later so i drove to the restaurant alone. during dinner the conversation turned to motherhood. “be strong,” i thought. “it’s okay. your heart can do this. be the big girl. smile. giggle. hide your tears. hide your sadness. besides, you’re the only one here without children. you can’t expect them to not talk about their children.” so i played along, like i was okay. and they complained.
they complained about being pregnant.
they complained about giving birth.
they complained about late night feedings.
they complained about their children being sick. disrespectful. whiney. needy. clingy. messy. busy. etc, etc, etc.
they complained about being mothers.
right in front of…….my face.
we went on to see the show. you know, to this day, i don’t remember what it was. because, although it was enjoyable, i was consumed with sadness. i was surrounded by people who had what i wanted. and they didn’t know i wanted it. and they didn’t care that they had it. and it nearly broke me into pieces. i couldn’t wait for the show to end. for us to walk to our cars. and for me to be alone. i needed to be alone. i needed the Lord to speak to my heart.
my solitude finally came. after a few minutes of being quiet and getting through the downtown area onto the highway, i turned on some music. sara groves, the one thing i know.
“and the clouds just parted on a corner of my life
and i can see for miles
and the things i was stuck on
things i thought would never change
they just broke open wide
this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free
and the veil just lifted
i can finally understand
the way You work in me
but even if didn’t
You are still a sovereign God
Who has a plan for me
this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free
it’s good to know You work with hurt and broken souls
that you’ll take a soul like mine
in all the world nothing’s taken hold of me like Christ
this is the one thing
this is the only thing
You are the one thing
You are the only thing
this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free”
the Lord was speaking to my heart. piercing it actually, with His truth and His love for me. “this is the ONE thing i know, YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO. YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.”
over and over again i said it. through tears. sometimes barely audible. sometimes almost screaming. i kept saying it. and saying it. and saying it. “YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO. YOU WON’T LET ME GO. YOU WON’T LET ME GO. YOU WON’T LET ME GO. YOU WON’T LET ME GO.” and He wasn’t. and i could feel Him. and that was such an important time in my journey.
this morning i had “Muffins for Mom” at amelia’s school. “Muffins for Mom”, and that mom is me. and it’s hard. and i complain. yes, i complain. i have been given a huge gift and i do the very thing that broke my heart years ago. the only difference is, i think i am more aware of who i am complaining around. though that doesn’t make it any better.
i am having a hard time right now. a really hard time. i am searching through myself, trying to understand some things i have been thinking and feeling related to my infertility and adoption of my children. it’s rough stuff. feelings i am ashamed to be feeling. things i am ashamed to be thinking. but, i know it’s part of my journey and something i need to work through.
the boys and i had lunch with a good friend at chick-fil-a. we had a great time. all went well. i dropped the boys off at school and turned on the faithful iPod. i chose to listen to some sara groves, of course. “the one thing i know. what the heck, haven’t heard it in a while.”
tears.
one hand lifted in praise. the other wanted to go up too, but one of them had to hold the steering wheel.
tears.
tears.
“really Lord. wow. and the veil just lifted. i can finally understand the way You work in me. but even if didn’t, You are still a sovereign God Who has a plan for me. this is the one thing i know, You said You won’t let me go. You said You won’t let me go.
You’ve done a good work in me and You won’t quit ’til i’m free”
He took me back to that time years ago. He showed me that even though it’s a different time now and i am in a totally different place, He’s still doing the same thing. He’s holding me. and He won’t let me go.
He won’t let me go.
HE WON’T LET ME GO.
HE WON’T LET ME GO.
HE WON’T LET ME GO.
HE WON’T LET ME GO.
Filed under adoption, children, Jesus, music, parenting | Comments (7)one day at mcdonald’s
i love mcdonald’s. LOVE it! i know, many people think it’s gross, including my husband. but my kids and i, we could dine there every day. yes, dine. yes, every day.
you can’t beat a cheap place with a playland and yummy food. and you can’t beat a mcdonald’s cheeseburger plain with a large order of fries and a coke. maybe the large fries are keeping me from being in the shape i want to be in. should be a hint to myself, but sometimes i can’t deny my mcdonald’s cravings.
yesterday i had a meeting scheduled at church from 9:30am-11:30am. several people were expected, but only two of us showed up. we spent about 25 minutes talking and then ended our time. we were done early. we could go home. or…we could go to mcdonald’s! the boys were so excited. and so was i!
it’s always interesting to observe parents and children at a mcdonald’s playland. i like to see who has good parenting skills, and who doesn’t. who has good behavior, and who doesn’t. i like to see how my children interact with the other children. i like to see how other parents interact with me and one another. yesterday all the kids did great. and i had a few interesting encounters.
at first there was just one other parent and child combo in the playland.
stranger #1(to my boys, about her daughter): her name is brooke, if you want to play with her.
my boys: i am wilbur and i am 5. he is 4 and his name is orville.
stranger #1(to me): i have a 6 year old too. she is in kindergarten. if you want to go order your food, they can stay in here and i’ll watch them.
me: that’s very kind of you, but we’re not eating yet. i am going to let them play a little first.
stranger #1: oh. really? we always eat first and then play.
me: oh. okay. well, my boys just had a snack and it’s a little early for their lunch(it was 10:30am).
stranger #1: okay. well maybe you could watch my daughter while i go have a cigarette.
me: um, okay.
she never went to have one. but, i thought it was interesting that she asked. seriously. we just met. and you’d leave your child with me. for a cigarette? yikes.
another lady comes in. she has a little boy with her. while my boys are playing they tell me they can’t find the pink slide, which happens to be the tallest and most exciting slide. i leave our table so i can walk around the playland, telling them what tubes to go through to get to the pink slide.
stranger #2(the new lady): they’re so cute. are they yours?
me: thank you. yes, they are. (me inside: that cut straight to my heart. why are you asking? should i tell her they are adopted? they don’t look like me. is that why she asked? my heart hurts. they are mine. but they aren’t mine. did you need to ask that? i didn’t ask you if the little boy with you was yours. really, did you have to ask?)
stranger #1: how old are your boys again?
me: the oldest will be 6 in july, so i guess i can just say he’s 6. the youngest one turned 4 in february. then we have a daughter who is 7. she’s at school, in first grade.
stranger #1: oh, i have two girls. i always wanted a boy. but, we’re done. my husband said no more. he had the magic surgery with the golden scissors. i was disappointed i didn’t have a boy.
me: you could always adopt. (me inside: how can you complain about not having a boy? wishing you would have, i can understand. but being disappointed? you should be thankful you have children at all. and what about people who only have boys? don’t you think they’d be thankful for one of your girls?)
stranger #1: i wouldn’t adopt now. not while my kids are young. maybe someday.
me: i can understand that. (me inside: i honestly can. but i know you won’t adopt. and you likely shouldn’t anyway.)
i then overhear stranger #2 telling a friend of hers that the little boy with her is her great nephew. maybe that’s why she asked if my boys were mine. made me feel a little better. but not totally.
stranger #3, stranger #4, and stranger #5(all saying the same thing): your boys are adorable.
me(each time): thank you. they are. (me inside: oh, they are adorable. and i know it. and i hear it all the time. because they really are that adorable. but yes, thank you.)
stranger #6 to stranger #7(two men who were sitting right next to me, talking about the affairs their wives have had. i didn’t interact with them, but the stories i heard broke my heart.): my wife actually said that she could justify her affair because it started before Christmas. this showed they had been together for a while and so the affair should be okay. but i told her no, that only makes it worse. that just means you were lying to me longer.
stranger #7 to stranger #6: i can’t believe she actually said that to you.
i can’t believe it either i thought. should i say something to them? should i tell them i am sorry? should i tell them all women aren’t like this? i didn’t say anything. it wasn’t my place. and the setting wasn’t exactly ideal.
i didn’t say most of what i was thinking/feeling at mcdonald’s yesterday. most people wouldn’t understand. but maybe i should try it sometime.
Filed under adoption, children, family, marriage, parenting | Comments (3)