so…i have been contemplating twitter for some time now. do i jump on the bandwagon? or stay off? i decided to jump on and i hope i don’t regret it. if you’re interested in following, you can head here.
you’ll notice a bird there just as you may have noticed a bird here. a few months ago josh and a co-worker of his pointed out that similarity and wondered if i’d want to change the look of my blog. i searched and searched for other options, but kept coming back to the bird. something about it spoke to me and now i have this strange connection to it. it’s my little bird.
recently while spending some time with the Christ-centered, wisdom filled lady i have mentioned, she told me i am too hard on myself. i am too critical of myself. i don’t take compliments very well. and i don’t let the positive things that happen in my life be positive things. i guess i tend to make them ho-hum instead of allowing them to be great.
she told me she likes to imagine a little bird sitting on her shoulder. the little bird sings her praises, gives her compliments, points out the good. and all of this is sent directly from the Lord. since He isn’t down here walking around with her, audibly cheering her on, He sends His cheers through people who are here, through situations she finds herself in, and through the little bird on her shoulder. should she shoo the bird away? or should she let it sing? then she said to me,
“you need to learn to let your little bird sing.”
hence the change in my tagline some time ago, from life, faith, & adoption to learning to let my little bird sing. i am trying to let my bird sing and praying it doesn’t fly away due to the years of neglect it’s seen while living on my shoulder. and i am trying to remember that the Lord does still speak. and i am trying to remember that i need to listen.
“and He said, “go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord.
and, behold, the Lord passed by,
and a great and strong wind rent the mountains,
and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord;
but the Lord was not in the wind:
and after the wind an earthquake;
but the Lord was not in the earthquake:
and after the earthquake a fire;
but the Lord was not in the fire:
and after the fire
a still small voice.”
1 kings 19:11-12
kjv
…or a little bird singing on your shoulder.
advice?
a sweet friend, who is also walking the painful road of infertility and heading toward adoption, recently shared some of why and how her heart is breaking at this time. how do we handle the time we missed in the lives of our children before they came to us? she wondered if i had any advice for her. i am sharing my response on here because i think it’s important for those of us on this journey to know that there are others of us who do understand. each of us has our own unique journey to take, but we do share some similar experiences and heartache.
“advice? oh, i wish i could just take this away from you because i know how painful it can be. it has been all encompassing for me. i feel a loss for the child i never had and i feel a loss for what i missed out on with the children that i do have.
i, just about an hour ago was sharing with a dear friend that i have spent time over the past 6 years grieving a baby that will never be. it seems so absurd in some ways, to say goodbye to something i never had.
and, there are many days, and sometimes multiple times a day, that my heart breaks for what i missed with my kids. sometimes i look at their sweet faces and get so sad because i didn’t know them as babies. in a lot of ways i can’t even imagine amelia and wilbur as babies because there are no pictures of them before amelia was 3 1/2 and wilbur was 1 1/2. with orville we have pictures from when he was 2 months so i know what he looked like, but i never held him or bathed him or smelled him.
i know that while i missed so much, i get to be a part of more than anyone else. who my children become will be because of how josh and i work with the Lord to raise them. and from the moment they came home, until the moment they return to the Lord(or the moment i do)i am the one they will call mom, the one they’ll cling to when they need something, the one they’ll rejoice with when something wonderful happens, etc. sometimes thinking about all of this helps me, and sometimes it doesn’t. but, for all i did miss, there is so much i get to see.
this adoption/infertility thing really is crazy. it is. it just flat out is. there are moments it makes total sense and then there are moments where i can’t figure out anything at all. and somehow, in the midst of all of the craziness, is our God. the God of the universe. the God who made me, made josh, made amelia, made wilbur, made orville, made you, made your husband, made your little one. He is there. and He knows exactly what He’s doing.
and while most of me gets that, there’s a big part of me that doesn’t. and then i remind myself that it really has nothing to do with me. it’s all about Him. and in His infinite wisdom, He has a plan that is good for me and josh and amelia and wilbur and orville and you and your husband and your little one.
and most importantly, i know He loves me and i know He loves YOU. and i know when my heart is breaking and when your heart is breaking, His breaks too. and He watches us and listens to us and sends people to hold us because that’s what He’d want to do.
if He were physically here i have no doubt that He’d scoop you up into His arms and say, “child, I love you. I am so sorry this is so hard for you. I know your heart is breaking. I know sometimes you struggle to take one more step. but, trust Me. lean on Me. I have a plan for you. I know it doesn’t all make sense now, but someday it will. I promise.” and He’d wipe away your tears.
remember when you shared these jeremy camp lyrics with me? “there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears. there will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face.”
what a journey!
Filed under Jesus, adoption, children, family, infertility, music, parenting | Comments (2)there’s an 8 year old in my house
amelia turned 8 on the 10th. i can’t believe she’s 8 years old. people always say kids grow up so fast and i am starting to understand that. it’s a very happy/sad kind of thing.
we had a nice day as a family and we had a wonderful evening celebrating with our extended family.
she started the day coloring and even made herself a birthday card.
this little munchkin was just relaxing on the couch when i looked up and realized he won’t always fit on the couch. my heart was sad for a few seconds. i will miss the little him when he’s that big!
i hope he doesn’t outgrow his smile! oh, those cheeks!
josh was outside cleaning the outside of the dinig room window. shelby couldn’t resist saying hello and getting her head rubbed.
the first card of the day came all the way from columbus. thank you feathers family!
next amelia opened a scrapbook from josh and i. she made some pages over the summer and they need a home. her next project will be making some pages about her 8th birthday with the new stickers that were hiding inside her scrapbook.
next, a new baby doll! since this child came home, this is one thing she has consistently asked for. she brought a baby doll to our house with her, but she has always wanted another one. we were at sam’s club a few weeks ago when she spotted this one. she was so drawn to it so we decided it was time. she was so excited to open it. then she had a mini-photoshoot with it.
someday, Lord willing, she will be such a good mommy. especially if she learns from my mistakes. oh how i pray she does!
while waiting for everyone to arrive, our little guy couldn’t figure out how to do something on the leapster. instead of asking for help, he burst into tears. big sis was by his side in seconds to help. she was so gentle and sweet. guess she’s learning already!
birthday dinner with cousin will.
princess figurines from uncle nate. so fun!
wilbur running to grab a present for amelia. he was a bit over excited while everyone was over so josh put him to work being the “birthday santa”.
a new Christmas dress from grammy. oh, she looks so beautiful in it!
just cute!
i kept noticing orville picking up the wrapping paper and tissue paper off of the floor, but i didn’t think about what he was doing with it. when i went into the kitchen to get the birthday cake ready, i found this. he was throwing it all away. so precious! he said, “the bag kept falling over and i had to keep standing it up. it’s really full!”
a princess cake for the princess.
a princess pose for the camera.
5th birthday~2006
6th birthday~2007
7th birthday~2008
we’re even. she had 4 birthdays without us, now she’s had 4 birthdays with us. we’re praying she celebrates at least 90 more!
Filed under children, family, parenting | Comment (1)memphis kiddie park
last Sunday we took advantage of the overcast, chilly weather and headed to memphis kiddie park. it’s a wonderful little amusement park made just for the kiddos. we’ve been here before, our first time in august of 2006. the kids had only been home for about 3 months. i looked through our pictures of that trip. i can’t believe how little the kids were. they really have grown so fast. here’s some pictures from last weekend and three years ago.
first ride, the roller coaster! it’s the oldest standing steel coaster in north america(just in case you can’t read that on its’ sign below).
josh was a trooper and rode with the kids so no one would have to ride alone. i can’t let that happen, at least not on the first ride of the day!
after the roller coaster it was time for “comets”.
then they were off to the boats.
we took a ride on the train. it circles the park. can’t believe i made it into a picture! well, i had to ask to make it in.
we saw snow white on our ride. never knew she lived in ohio.
next we were off to the merry~go~round.
amelia found a horse named arielle. only a princess horse will do for the princess.
then the kids took an airplane ride.
and enjoyed the ferris wheel.
next they took a leisurely drive.
then it was off to the horses.
with no one really in the mood for amusement park hot dogs for lunch, we went to taco bell with plans to return to memphis kiddie park after.
the kids wanted to ride the roller coaster again. this time they went by themselves.
then they rode the spinning cars which didn’t really spin very well.
with only enough tickets for one last ride each, they all three chose the roller coaster again.
i am glad we made the trip this year.
it looks like amelia will be too big for most of the rides by the time next summer comes, but she’ll still get to ride the roller coaster!
orville’s first day of school and my first parent helper day
orville started his last year of preschool a couple of weeks ago. i can’t believe he’ll be in kindergarten next year! as you can see from the following pictures, he wasn’t really wanting to get his picture taken.
once we arrived at school, he was much happier. here he is leading the way.
in his new classroom, he really didn’t want me to take any pictures. i think he was slightly annoyed that i was even there and hanging around for a few minutes.
after school i wanted him to pose for a picture with his clifford scholastic news. he did not want to. in the midst of our little argument(me begging for him to let me take his picture because it was his first day of his last year of preschool) the scholastic news got ripped. and he was pretty upset.
then, he passed out. i couldn’t believe it. the kids were playing and being pretty loud too. then all of a sudden, this little guy was in a deep sleep. so sweet.
last week i had my first parent helper day of the year. orville was so excited for us to bring brownies and applejuice. quite the combo, i know, but for some reason, it’s a favorite amongst our three little ones.
1 parent helper day down, 5 more to go!
Filed under children, parenting | Comment (0)interpretations
i am in a new Bible study this fall. we started up two weeks ago. as sort of an icebreaker, we read a short article and discussed it. i had little to say, mostly because i was in awe of the different interpretations of the content of the article. some people took it one way, some took it another way. some people read into things, others took it literally. some people’s thoughts matched mine, others varied a great deal.
as we studied the Word last thursday night, i was again noticing all of the interpretations. for some of the questions, i had no answers. for some of the questions, i changed my answers as i listened to others explain their answers. for some questions, i totally disagreed with the answers of others.
on my way home from my study, i was thanking the Lord for the opportunity to be a part of a group where different interpretations can be shared and learning and growing can take place. and then it struck me that what He has done in my life is so clear that there is no room for interpretation. at least not in my eyes. and i was overwhelmed with gratitude. and i thanked Him for making His course for my life so obvious. i thanked Him for doing something so obvious in my life. i really can’t blindly pass by unexplained infertility, the calling to adopt, or the three little ones who live in my home. i know He can do subtle things to get our attention, to direct us. i thanked Him for doing something clear for me.
i don’t understand. why infertility? why abuse? why neglect? why a broken home? why a broken family? why? oh, why?
i don’t need to understand.
“for My thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways My ways,”
declares the Lord.
“as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
isaiah 55:8~9
if you trace any part of this story, it all points to Him. if you take it back to the beginning, it begins with Him. if you look at the big picture, you see Him.
during my conversation with Him, this song came to mind.
“oh the Glory of it all is
He came here
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
oh the Glory of it all is
He is here
for redemption from the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all”
glory of it all ~ dcb
He came here. He rescued us. He provided redemption from the fall. ALL so that WE MAY LIVE FOR THE GLORY OF IT ALL.
this story. my story. His story in me is all for His glory.
this seems to be a major theme in my life lately, realizing and understanding it’s not about me at all, but that it’s all for His glory. though i have known this for a long time, it’s an entirely different thing to attempt to grasp it. i pray i am somehow able to do that. that i am somehow able to take myself out of the equation. i pray that when people see our family, they see Him. i pray that as our children grow and learn, they see Him too.
Filed under Jesus, adoption, children, family, music, parenting | Comment (1)i surrender all
i am so behind on this thing. i could blog multiple times a day. i learn so much from my Lord, my husband, my children, my friends, my church. i am beyond blessed. if only there was more time.
i feel like i am in a new season of life. i have been so down for so long, but as the Lord continues to lift me up and continues to bring people into my life who are Christ centered and wisdom filled, i see a great deal of change taking place inside my heart and my mind. “from the inside out, Lord my soul cries out.”
in the midst of all of the internal changes, the Lord has given me another opportunity to serve Him. years ago i let Him know that i had a desire to have a ministry. i didn’t know what that looked like. where would it be? to whom would i minister? after all, what did i have to offer? what could i share? my life had been fairly easy, then turned suddenly difficult, and though i was undoubtedly in the center of His will for my life, it was a very hard place to be. but He called me to a place where He saw a need for someone like me.
He called me to lead our church’s ministry to mother’s of infants and young children. yep, you read that right, mother’s of infants and young children. He…called…me. not the mom who had the baby two years after she got married and then had another one two years after that. He…called…me. ME. the infertile one. the barren womb one. the mother of three adopted bi-racial(i know you know color has nothing to do with it and trust that you get what i am saying) children.
HE…CALLED…ME.
and when He called me, He called me loud and clear. He called me out of our church’s adoption and foster care ministry. He called me out of a leadership role in our Sunday school class. He called me to lead a group of women who get pregnant and give birth to babies. is He crazy?
for years He knew the secret longing in my heart to be a part of this elite group of women. for years He knew i so longed to simply walk in the room where the elite group meets. for years He knew there was nothing i wanted more than to be a mom.
when our kids came home, i earned the right to join the group. i remember clearly when i first walked through their meeting room doors. it was hard for me to contain my emotions when i filled out my registration card, from barren womb to mom of three. it was overwhelming to know i got to be there.
sure, it was hard to sit around a table full of women complaining about breastfeeding, being up in the middle of the night, pain during labor and delivery, etc, etc, etc. but i was so excited to be there that i was able to block out the complaining. and at the end of the first year of my attending the group, i volunteered to be a part of the groups committee.
i was assigned the job of “craft helper”. i would assist the craft person on craft days, showing people how to do the craft, answer questions, etc. and maybe sometimes she’d need me to run to the store to get extra supplies. i basically ended up doing nothing most of the year.
towards the end of the year, a new leader was planning her committee and i told i wanted to stay on board. i requested that i have at least a little more responsibility. a few weeks later she called and told me that after much prayer and seeking, she would like for me to be her co-leader. i told her i’d need some time to pray about it and discuss it with josh.
i was honored. first, this leader is someone that i had admired for years. i met her in the college ministry at our church and just always thought she was neat. i would see her and think, “i bet she’d be great to be friends with.” now she has presented me the opportunity to work by her side for a whole year!
second, i was being asked to help lead the ministry to young moms. that meant that in a year, i’d be the one leading. ME. the infertile one. the barren womb one. the mother of three adopted bi-racial children.
i said yes. i agreed to be the co-leader for one year, and then the leader for the following year. now, we are in that year. i am now leading our church’s ministry to mother’s of infants and young children. ME.
the week before our ministry year started, our women’s ministry director held a communion and commissioning service for us. we sang some songs together, one being i surrender all.
“all to Jesus i surrender
all to Him i freely give;
i will ever love and trust Him,
in His presence daily live.
i surrender all,
i surrender all;
all to Thee, my blessed Savior,
i surrender all.”
as i sang these words, i was thinking, “what does this look like in my life? how does this relate to this ministry i am leading?” with my eyes closed, and my head bowed, i thought, “wow. i really did have to surrender a lot to get to this point. my dreams. my desires. my fertility. my womb. my plans. my will. i really did have to surrender all.” i was again overcome with emotion.
our meetings started two weeks ago. things have been going really well. our numbers are up from years past and it seems like people are pretty excited about what is planned for the year. i love this! but mostly i love watching the Lord’s plan for my life unfold. He has done things with me i could have never imagined. He’s taken me places i would have never been. He’s opened doors that may have always been closed.
surrender seems like the hardest thing to do. we want what we want, when we want it, how we want it, etc. He has things He wants for us too. He knows when He wants us to have them and how He wants us to have them. for our good, for His glory. knowing this has made it easier for me to surrender. and watching His will for me unfold has made me so glad i let go.
but, i was still struggling with why He’d choose me for this ministry. enter a Christ centered, wisdom filled lady. i spend some time sharing my struggle with her, trying to make sense of all that has happened in the past few years and how it relates to my role in ministry. she shares this with me:
“we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that
suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character;
and character, hope.”
romans 5:3~4
some of these young women may need to see what it looks like to suffer and persevere, and build character, and gain hope. maybe i can show them.
Filed under Jesus, adoption, children, family, parenting | Comment (1)