random
we’re busy. school activities are in full-swing. soccer practice has started. mid-week church starts next week. profound things are happening in my heart, but i can’t seem to find the time to sit down and write about them. someday. for now, there’s a picture update.
orville had his first soccer practice of the season last tuesday. he was so excited!
the three kids headed to the practice field. i love shots of them like this.
orville made egg soup the other day.
it consisted of eggs in yogurt containers. so cute.
no one knows how this tangled mess happened. no one.
i threw it all away without saying a word.
josh was playing with his food. with his scrabble crackers he was able to spell ‘yuk dookie’. so proud.
josh had last friday off so he and i took orville to chuck e. cheese’s.
the boys played some racing games together.
orville enjoyed the roller coaster simulator.
and the bob the builder ride.
josh and i played air hockey which i am 100% convinced he thought he’d win. he lost. which means, I WON!
after chuck’s we picked the big kids up from school and headed to the apple store. the kids took the opportunity to put on a show for us on the outdoor stage. they had so much fun performing and we had fun watching.
then we had chipotle for dinner, even though josh had it for lunch the day before. he LOVES it.
a very goofy picture of me, but josh insisted some be taken because i am always taking pictures of everyone else while they are eating.
sweson’s for dinner saturday night because i was organizing papers and COULD NOT make dinner. that happens sometimes, you know. there was just no possible way for me to cook that night.
Sunday for lunch josh had our leftover chipotle chips and guac. and, we found coca~cola from mexico at sam’s club. it’s made with real sugar, not high fructose corn syrup. so, we indulged and are througoughly enjoying.
until next time…
Filed under children, family, for fun | Comment (1)1st day of school ~ 09
we started 2nd grade and kindergarten today. the boys weren’t really in the mood for pictures this morning, but they perked up by this afternoon. everything went off without a hitch, even the 2nd grader picking the kindergartner up from his class after school.
preschool for the munchkin starts in a couple weeks!
Filed under children | Comment (1)worth it all?
“i don’t understand Your ways
oh but i will give You my song
give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
with it You are pulling me closer
and pulling me into Your ways
now around every corner
and up every mountain
i’m not looking for crowns
or the water from fountains
i’m desperate in seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face
is all that i need
i will say to You
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this
i don’t understand Your ways
oh but i will give You my song
give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
with it You are pulling me closer
and pulling me into Your ways
now around every corner
and up every mountain
i’m not looking for crowns
or the water from fountains
i’m desperate in seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face
is all that i need
i will say to You
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it all
i believe this
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it
You’re gonna be worth it all
i believe this”
~ rita springer
this song was pretty much a daily part of the beginning of my infertility journey. i didn’t understand what God was doing or why He was calling me to something so different from what i wanted. but, i trusted that it would be worth it in the end if i just trusted His plan for my life. over the past three years, this song has come to me every once in awhile, always taking me back to those early days of wondering and waiting.
just recently, it has come back again as i face a whole new journey of wondering and waiting. parenting my children who experienced abuse and neglect early in life is a challenge to say the least. and recently that challenge has been quite difficult. i find myself again telling the Lord that i don’t understand His ways. i don’t understand why He’d allow my children to go through such pain. i don’t understand why He’d choose me to parent them. i don’t understand any of it.
somehow, through my pain, i am getting closer to Him. i do believe that all of this is going to be worth it. but i don’t think i will understand until i do see Him face to face. face to face with my Maker, my Master, the Lover of my soul. the Maker and the Master of my children, the Lover of their souls. the One who will somehow take all of this pain and all of this mess and turn it into something beautiful. something beautiful that will bring Him glory.
“i don’t understand Your ways
oh but i will give You my song
give You all of my praise”
this journey is my own
when i stand before the Lord,
i’ll be standing alone
this journey is my own
still i want man’s advice,
and i need man’s approval,
but this journey is my own
why would i want to live for man
and pay the highest price?
what would it mean to gain the world,
only to lose my life?
so much of what i do
is to make a good impression
this journey is my own
so much of what i say
is to make myself look better
this journey is my own
why would i want to live for man
and pay the highest price?
what would it mean to gain the world,
only to lose my life?
i have never felt relief
like i feel it right now
this journey is my own
’cause trying to please the world
it was breaking me down
it was breaking me down
now i live and i breathe
for an audience of One
now i live and i breathe
for an audience of One
now i live and i breathe
for an audience of One
’cause i know
this journey is my own
why would i want to live for man
and pay the highest price?
what would it mean to gain the world,
only to lose my life?
you can live for someone else
and it will only bring you pain
i can’t even judge myself
only the Lord can say, “well done.”
~sara groves
parenting is never easy. well, i should say i am guessing it’s never easy, because i really only have my experience to speak from. i have struggled with parenting since the day my kids came home. i have spent a majority of the past three years questioning every decision i made, every word i spoke, every look i gave. i have spent many mornings lying in bed wondering how i’d make it through the day. what would we do all day? where would we go? should we go anywhere? should we just stay home? should i expect them to play on their own? should i always play with them and/or direct their play? is it okay for me to work on big projects around the house and expect them to leave me alone? should i allow them to pitch in? can they play in the backyard while i am in the house? do i need to be outside with them the whole time?
once i was out of bed, i found myself on the phone throughout the day seeking advice from friends and relatives. i just wanted to know if i was doing things the right way. i knew others were going through similar things and i wanted their opinions. i knew others had gone through these things before me, some many years ago, and i wanted their wisdom. then i always needed to follow that up with a call to my husband to see if he agreed with what i was doing.
i was making myself crazy. most of these people(except for my husband) didn’t agree with what i was doing and offered advice that was contrary to how i wanted to raise my children. they would say things like, “you’re too harsh! you have too many rules! i just have a different parenting style. i just don’t care about as many little things. you need to let them be kids.” recently(i don’t know why it took me so long) i had an amazing realization, “why am i seeking advice from these people? none of them have ever adopted any children, let alone an abused and neglected child. and most importantly, three of them at one time. how can any of them judge my parenting?”
the above song immediately came to mind. this journey is my own. i am the only one living in this situation day to day, moment to moment. i am the only one who can parent these kids the way they need to be parented. if that weren’t the case, God would have placed them somewhere else. somehow, in His divine, and i think kind of crazy, wisdom, He knew they needed to be here. i don’t understand it, but i have to trust it.
i have to trust that i am doing things the right way. sure, i’ll make some mistakes, everyone does. but for the amount of mistakes i make, i get just as many compliments, if not more. i can’t tell you how many times, yes i am bragging, we have received compliments when it comes to our children. we are frequently stopped at the grocery store, walmart, or target. people just want tell us how well behaved they think the kids are.
and one time the boys and i were getting the van’s tires balanced and rotated and an older man came over to us to tell me how much he admired my parenting. he said he had been watching us and he thought i was doing a great job and it showed in the boys and their good behavior. and another time i was desperately seeking new jeans and the poor boys had to endure me trying on 8 pair. when we left the fitting room we passed a lady who said, “i heard some good things in there. they are so blessed to have you as their mother.” wow. totally unsolicited compliments. and i appreciate them so much.
i wish that those moments trumped the bad moments. the moments when i feel like i am a total failure at parenting my children. the moments when i feel like they could have ended up with a better mother. the moments when i wish i could erase the last three years and start over, knowing what i know now.
but i have to remind myself(constantly) that things are how they are supposed to be. i am the mother my kids are supposed to have. i am parenting them the way i am supposed to parent them. and no matter what other people think, good or bad, this parenting journey is my own. and when i stand before the Lord, if i need to answer for my parenting, i’ll be standing alone. this journey is my own.
Filed under adoption, children, family, Jesus, parenting | Comments (4)daniel 6:27-27
“for He is the living God
and He endures forever;
His kingdom will not be destroyed,
His dominion will never end.
He rescues and He saves;
He performs signs and wonders
in the heavens and on the earth.”
the darkness
was all around. nothing made me happy. i couldn’t find happy. there were glimmers of light. but they were just that, glimmers. the light crept in, brought a slight smile to my face, and then it quickly left. the joy of my life, my husband, my children, my friends, my family, even(and this is a hard one to admit) the joy of my Lord, were all well beyond my reach.
i was in a pit. a pit of despair. i couldn’t see my way out. i felt alone. i felt sad. i felt ashamed. i felt ashamed because the Lord had given me so much, and i felt so ungrateful. i had been blessed with a faithful husband, three amazing children, a safe home, a phenomenal church, wonderful friends. and every day, all i wanted to do was crawl into my bed.
the Lord did not remain silent during this time. in fact, He often spoke very loud. “come on kirsten. how stupid(i am not sure if He would actually call me stupid, but it was totally warrented at the time) can you be?”, He would say. “I am here. right here. see My hand reaching down to pull you out? all you have to do is lift up your hand and take hold of Mine. that’s all you have to do. get it together.” i could see His hand and i could hear His voice. but i couldn’t move. i had been paralyzed in my despair.
for a few months, i remained in the pit. putting on a smile. pretending to be happy. i couldn’t pinpoint why i was in such a dark place. my marriage isn’t perfect. my finances aren’t either. i am barren. my children came to me from a terrible place, a future potential pit of their own. my home is unorganized and unfinished. but none of these things seemed to be upsetting enough to hold me down for so long. i couldn’t figure out what in the world was wrong with me.
then it hit me, satan had gotten a hold of me. “for our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” ephesians 6:12. yes, satan had gotten a hold of me. he was robbing my joy. he was pulling me down into the pit of despair and he was holding me captive there. how long would i let him have control?
one night at church we sang, “You are the Source of life, and i can’t be left behind. no one else will do, i will take hold of You. cause i need You Jesus to come to my rescue. where else can i go? there’s no other name by which i am saved. You capture me with grace, i will follow You.” “yes Lord,” i thought. “i need You to come to my rescue. i need You to reach down into the pit and pull me out.” i could picture myself in my pit, it was so dark and i felt so hopeless and alone.
the next song. the very next song. “Savior, He can move the mountains. my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save. forever, Author of salvation. He rose and conquered the grave. Jesus conquered the grave.” are you kidding me? seriously? this time was meant just for me. the Lord was speaking so clearly.
i started to feel some hope again. but, i didn’t think i could face the climb out of my pit alone. i wanted to ask for help. but i didn’t know where to turn. to whom do you divulge such information? is there one that can be trusted to hear the anguish of the heart and at the same time withhold judgement? i know the Lord is my only truly safe friend. but He already knew where i was and how i felt. i needed someone tangible. someone whose hand i could touch and whose face i could see. someone who could understand my heart.
dinner with a favorite friend at a favorite restaurant would prove to be the answer for the tangible help i was seeking. i divulged slowly. i wanted to see if she could follow where i was going. if she could see the depth of the pain in my heart without me spewing it all over her. she sought answers to her questions of me. she sought examples of my feelings during this dark time. she agreed that i was in a pit. she agreed that it was satan keeping me there. and she prayed for me. and she prayed for my husband. and she prayed for my daughter. and she prayed for my sons. she prayed for us by name. and as i heard her speak our names out loud, as i heard her lift them up to the Lord, i physically felt myself begin my ascent from my pit.
during my climb, the Lord reminded me of 2 timothy 1:7, “for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of sound mind” and for the first time He urged me to continue reading as paul shares “so do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me His prisoner. but join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, Who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of His own purpose and grace. this grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.”
HE destroyed death. HE brought life. HE gave grace, before the beginning of time. because of HIS own purpose.
HE destroyed death. HE brought life.
He could destroy my pit. He could bring me back to life.
last weekend i heard lamentations 3:28. “when life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. enter the silence. bow in prayer. don’t ask questions: wait for hope to appear. don’t run from trouble. take it full-face. the “worst” is never the worst.”
whoa.
then i read more of lamentations 3. i was overwhelmed.
“i’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison i’ve swallowed.
i remember it all—oh, how well i remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
but there’s one other thing i remember,
and remembering, i keep a grip on hope:
God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
His merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
they’re created new every morning.
how great Your faithfulness!
i’m sticking with God (i say it over and over).
He’s all i’ve got left.
God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
it’s a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
it’s a good thing when you’re young
to stick it out through the hard times.
when life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. enter the silence.
bow in prayer. don’t ask questions:
wait for hope to appear.
don’t run from trouble. take it full-face.
the “worst” is never the worst.
why? because the Master won’t ever
walk out and fail to return.
if He works severely, He also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.”
even typing it now, i am overwhelmed. i feel like i am out of the pit. i am not far from it. but, i am out of it. i am standing on the edge. but, i am out of it. i can see its’ depth. but, i am out of it.
Jesus has destroyed death. Jesus has brought life.
and for the first time in a long time, i am looking forward to a new morning tomorrow. “God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, His merciful love couldn’t have dried up. they’re created new every morning. great is Your faithfulness” lamentations 3:22-23.
Filed under Jesus | Comments (2)father’s day
i’ve been absent for a long time. again, there’s plenty to write about, plenty of pictures to share. but i’ve been in kind of a dark place for the past couple of months. i seem to have a dark cloud hanging over my head. as i put it in an email to a friend, ” i feel like i am in a pit and life is just passing over me and i am missing it. things i thought would be fun, aren’t. things i thought would bring me joy, don’t.”
i think i know why i have been feeling this way. actually, i don’t think i know, i do know. and i know i need to do something about it. and i know what to do. but i keep forgetting. and then it gets dark again. but right now i am remembering. all of that to say, this heart is full of words that need to come out. and they will come. but tonight i wanted to take some time to be thankful. for this man,
who in lieu of sleeping in, got up just like any other day, to celebrate his day, with his children. and with his sleepy eyes and bedhead hair, he graced our breakfast table with his presence for some dunkin donuts, coffee, and the children’s father’s day cards.
amelia made him the biggeset card i’ve ever seen. and it was cute. and silly. and made no sense. but it was so precious, because it was from her. from her heart, for her father.
wilbur wanted nothing to do with making a card. i guess that’s a boy thing? so he picked this one.
orville didn’t want to make a card either, at least not while we were at the store and wilbur was picking out already made cards. but when we got home, he changed his tune and joined the crafting with amelia. so for daddy, he had two cards.
then we went on a hike.
we got sweaty, muddy, hot, tired. the kids loved it. and i think josh had a good time, though it was more work with three little ones than either of us would have liked.
we had a cookout at my sister’s place where we also got to visit with my dad. then we went on to church where the kids made more father’s day cards.
we are so blessed to have this man in our lives. he is committed to our marriage and to our family. he has such a strong desire to be a good father. and he is. and i am thankful.
Filed under children, family, marriage, parenting | Comment (1)